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3 Lies That Mess With Your Marriage and Mind

By November 17, 2020August 31st, 2022No Comments
lies mess with marriage

Fear. Job Loss. Illness. Stress—results of the global pandemic and lockdowns. So many outside influences to mess with your marriage and mind. But did you also know there is an uptick in online porn viewing?

For those stuck at home, the mental stress whispers lies that mess with your mind and marriage.

No wonder mental health officials warn us about the increase in depression, suicide, and addictions. God created us to be in relationships with each other—the face-to-face kind. While I’m thankful for video chat technology, it’s no longer enough at this point in the process. I need time with my friends!

Addictive behaviors, like porn, don’t go away easily.

And more reasons to be online—work, school stuff, connection with friends, gaming out of boredom—definitely don’t help. Our new way of life is like pushing an alcoholic up to the bar. “Here, struggling porn addict, get online for more hours each day.”

It takes daily hard work to deal with addiction and any associated lies that trigger the addiction.

I have no idea how Dave and I would have battled through his addiction and my depression had we not been able to meet face-to-face with our restoration team and coaches. This community connection provided the necessary safety net for us to heal. We craved healing and depended on the physical support of this team. Sometimes, the only thing that helped was a hug. sponsors #NoPornNovember, to raise awareness about the negative effects porn addiction has on your mind and marriage.

It’s a tough battle in today’s global climate.

While it’s disheartening to read the growing trends for online porn use, this information raises my awareness to talk about how porn use messes with our marriages and minds.

You and I don’t have to participate in or accept pornography.

Maybe you have heard or read lies like: “Online porn viewing doesn’t hurt anyone.” “It enhances your marriage.” Or “All men view porn.”

Let’s look at each lie a little more carefully

Lie #1: “Online porn viewing doesn’t hurt anyone.”

Porn isn’t a victimless or harmless addiction. For the addict, loneliness, shame, and self-hatred dog their days. Dave describes this as The Cycle of Shame. An apt description because porn promises control that may be lacking in the addict’s life. Every click provides a rush of “good feeling” chemicals to the brain. So, when your world feels out of control or stressful, your temptation to get that chemical rush makes sense. That’s the lure. The rut that “rush” digs into his brain is a glaring example of someone who is hurt.

What about the people who are forced to participate in the making of these videos? Some are recorded even without their knowledge. The link between pornography and sex trafficking cannot be ignored.

    • By some estimates, 4.8 million people are trapped or forced into sexual exploitation globally. (International Labor Organization)
    • In one survey, 63% of underage sex trafficking victims said they had been advertised or sold online. (Thorn)

Pornography is not a victimless crime.

Each person involved in pornography is someone’s daughter or son. Real people are exploited for another’s sexual appetite. That breaks my heart.

Lie #2: “Pornography enhances your marriage.”

According to a recent article at, researchers looked at the link between pornography and marriages. They discovered five areas where porn use by either partner breaks down the marriage relationship.

Women particularly suffer from an attack on their self-esteem and self-worth. Who could measure up to what her husband’s viewing on a screen? And why would she want to?

Men who consistently watch porn objectify women and tend to struggle with true intimacy. Porn allows the viewer to get the rush without the vulnerability of a relationship.

Lie #3: “All men watch porn.”

This is a gross generalization. Gross generalizations are false. If they aren’t 100% true, they are a lie. There is a large percentage of men who view porn, but not ALL. Some men never look at porn and were never tempted to look at porn. To lump these men in with those who struggle with porn addiction is wrong. This statement removes individual choice from one half of the human race. It also demeans men.

If we justify negative behavior, we try to excuse it.

The Reddit community No Fap, in which members challenge themselves to give up porn, has garnered more than 140,000 members. The group provides support, camaraderie, advice, and—notably—success stories for those looking to “recover from porn-induced sexual dysfunction, stop objectifying and establish meaningful connections, improve your interpersonal relationships, live a more fulfilling life.” One needs only to peruse the wealth of success stories posted there to find that men, even those recovering from serious addictive behavior, are not powerless to resist it.

Every person makes their choices. I did. So did Dave. And then he worked very hard to overcome his underlying self-worth issues, so he didn’t medicate with porn.

I worked hard to overcome my underlying self-belief issues to overcome depression and food addiction. Instead of excusing away harmful behavior or harshly judging them, I’d love to see everyone champion those who fight to overcome.

Thank you,, for tackling the pornography addiction issue head-on.

And thank you to the brave souls raising their hand and saying, I don’t want to live like this anymore. I’m tired of believing these lies that mess with my marriage and mind. If you’d like to learn more about how you can help with #nopornnovember, please visit their website and take the pledge to choose a different path.

If you’re the wife of a porn addict, I understand your pain and confusion. The lies mess with your mind.

I’ve been there. God allowed this addiction to mess with our marriage and my mind. But, our story and marriage didn’t end there. God, in His grace and mercy, restored our marriage gave us a brand new marriage based on authenticity, hope, and truth. I’m so grateful because it could have turned out very differently. If you need someone to listen, please reach out. I offer an understanding heart, practical tools to help you truly heal—all without judgment. You didn’t choose this addiction. But you can choose for a better tomorrow.

  • Kirsten D Samuel

    I empower Christian wives to discover they are seen, loved, and heard. These women find the freedom to be who they are beyond their partner’s struggles, and find hope that there is a life worth living.

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