Why won’t he change?
Betrayal recovery is hard enough. But when your partner seems disinterested in leaving behind destructive behaviors like watching porn, you often feel desperate to make something change.
It’s tempting to put all your energies into finding resources for him, booking seminars or conferences, finding books to leave on his nightstand or favorite chair, and even scheduling counseling appointments.
Read that sentence again.
What do you read in that sentence that tells you he wants to change?
Please follow closely and understand me.
You hurt worse than you ever thought possible.
The one you chose to do life with has betrayed you, your trust, and the future you dreamed about.
You are devastated—understandably.
You believed in him, and he lied to you—more than once.
I hear you and feel your wounded heart crying for help and relief. 💔
You want to find a way to stop the pain and ignite that relationship you desire. It’s a noble goal.
Consider these questions for just a moment. Please answer them as honestly as possible from your partner’s viewpoint.
- What does your partner believe about this current situation?
- What does he think about your response to discovering what he’s been doing?
- What suggestions has he made for dealing with this discovery?
- How does he respond when you mention various options for healing?
- Does he believe he needs help to deal with this betrayal?
If your answers to every question were recovery-focused, work together to get the best recovery counseling and coaching possible.
But if his answers seem lackluster, negative, or avoiding the issues, consider this:
Who desires his healing more—you or him?
If I learned anything in those moments, days, and weeks after my husband revealed his porn use, it’s this: only he can choose his recovery.
If I worked harder at his recovery than he did, I would have become more frustrated and wounded. This effort would have created more tension and animosity between us without any progress. I would still be asking why he wouldn’t change.
You cannot force someone to live a healthy life.
Here’s the other thing I discovered in those first few months of recovery—and it is the most crucial aspect of recovery—until my husband or I submitted to Jesus and spent time getting to know him, true, heart-changing recovery didn’t happen.
We see this truth in the Bible.
At least twelve men lived, talked, walked, and worked with Jesus for three years. And they didn’t understand Jesus’ purpose—to die on the cross to save us all from our sins.
- The disciples expected him to overthrow Rome and set up his kingdom in Jerusalem, where they would rule with him. Jesus taught them to serve others.
- They looked for positions of authority and power; Jesus gave them servanthood.
- Judas Iscariot became so disillusioned with Jesus that Judas betrayed Jesus to be executed.
- When the soldiers came looking for Jesus to arrest him, Peter drew his sword and attacked a servant. Jesus told Peter to put his sword away.
- James and John asked for privileged positions in Jesus’ kingdom. Do you see a theme here? Their mom wanted the same thing for her boys.
- Jesus did miracles but told the disciples and others to keep it quiet because it wasn’t the right time.
- Little children flocked to Jesus, but the disciples shooed them away. Jesus called the children to him and gently corrected the disciples’ views about a person’s value.
The disciples walked, talked, lived, and worked with Jesus for three years. Jesus taught. They listened, asked questions, and missed Jesus’ central message.
It wasn’t until after Jesus’ death, burial, resurrection, and ascension to heaven while they were watching that they understood how to live Jesus’ way and what the core of his message was. Once they did, these disciples changed the world by telling others about Jesus.
That’s the message in lasting recovery as well.
Why won’t he change?
Only through meeting Jesus, walking with him, and submitting to his will and ways can lasting change be brought. Only through Jesus.
You desire change for your husband because you want a healthy relationship. You want your family life to be filled with honesty and joy. You crave assurance that your husband desires only you. But you can’t force any of this.
Why won’t he change?
Ask God to do whatever it takes to help your husband acknowledge the damage this struggle causes in his life and relationships.
I remember committing to praying for my husband every day. It was a scary point in my recovery because I stopped asking, “Why won’t he change?”. I quit dictating what my husband’s recovery looked like and trusted God to answer my prayer. At that moment, I wasn’t sure I could trust God. But I took the risk to pray something like this:
“God, my husband is yours before he is mine. You love him far more than I do and know exactly what he needs. So I give him to you. Please reveal and heal the wounds in his heart. Help me to trust you to work perfectly in his life like you are in mine.”
Where are you in your recovery journey?
Your mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical well-being matters. It’s time to love yourself because Jesus loves you more than you can imagine. I’d love to encourage you to make this discovery. Let’s talk.