What kind of love keeps you married for 70 years?
In a world of quick exits, I’ve observed three couples married for at least this long who showed me a different way—one that transformed my own marriage.
Admittedly, I wasn’t privileged to be in their inner circles. However, with each one, I wondered what it took to be married to the same person for longer than the typical lifespan for a person born before the Great Depression.
Our current culture tosses people aside when they don’t agree with you on everything.
Carrying this attitude into marriage creates a death sentence because conflicts come in every relationship.
As a child, I often felt insecure when I heard my parents disagree. This insecurity developed after learning about a classmate’s parents’ upcoming divorce. I’d asked my friend why their parents were getting a divorce. “Because they argue all the time,” was the quick response.
The next time I overheard my parents disagreeing, I tearfully confronted them. Thankfully, they asked me questions about my fears and helped me understand that disagreeing with each other didn’t equate to a lack of love. Instead, their love for each other allowed them space to look at an issue from all sides and come to an understanding of the best way to move forward.
Dad and Mom taught me a valuable lesson about love and marriage.
I understood this in theory at the time, but when our marriage hit rock bottom, I had to learn it much more deeply.
When Dave and I faced betrayal and broken trust, I questioned everything I thought I knew about love. Could we rebuild? Was love strong enough to survive this kind of pain? Looking back, I see that the principles my parents lived by—commitment, compassion, and choosing love daily—became the foundation for our healing.
For a marriage to last longer than the length of the marriage ceremony, you need to learn the art of compromise.
However, compromise doesn’t include abusive behavior.
When it comes to marriage, compromise means learning to live with another person for life in an understanding way. See 1 Peter 3:7-12. It’s an ongoing training ground that requires active listening, selflessness, seeking another’s best, patience, kindness, and a willingness to adapt and change.
The three couples I mentioned above were diverse in employment, location, and beliefs. Some worked in the corporate world, while others spent their lives in nonprofits. Growing up in different parts of the United States, their stories of meeting each other were unique.
How did they learn to love each other well enough to stay married until their deaths?
That was a question I wrestled with in the aftermath of betrayal. How do you move forward when love feels shattered? Watching these couples, I realized love isn’t just about the big moments—it’s about what you choose to do daily, even in the most challenging seasons.
Here are five codes to unlocking and building a lasting marriage.
1. Commitment.
Like my parents, these couples worked through their disagreements to compromise. Each partner seemed to think and act like the other was their best friend. They enjoyed each other enough to spend time together, so it’s like they kept dating after getting married.
Life wasn’t easy for any of them. They faced military service separations, financial struggles, differing personal preferences, parenting style differences, in-law issues, economic crises, and illnesses like you and your spouse. They weren’t unicorns in any way.
When times were tough, they pulled together to get through them. They honored and respected each other so they could do life together no matter what.
I’ve mentioned this to you before. Those initial days after discovery caused Dave and me to question whether our marriage could survive. We struggled to be in the same space, and our conversations were stilted and basic. However, we decided individually to recommit to our marriage, which opened the path to building a new, lasting relationship based on honesty, forgiveness, and understanding.
2. Compassion.
Each man in the relationship seemed to show great kindness and care for his wife. I expected it more in the women, so this stuck out to me. These men grew up during the Depression, World Wars, and John Wayne eras. They were manly men. Yet they exhibited a tenderness toward their wives that touched my heart.
The women, likewise, showed a deep understanding of their husbands’ needs, wants, and desires. Each woman supported her husband’s dream. For some, that meant days and weeks apart while he traveled for work.
I watched little gestures of affection between them—a knowing look across a room, a gentle squeeze on the shoulder as they passed each other, holding hands while walking together, the man opening the door for his wife or helping her exit a vehicle, the woman bringing him a beverage while getting one for herself—small things that showed me they noticed and delighted in each other.
Dave and I continue to learn ways to extend grace and love to each other. We mess up often. But choosing each other daily provides the bumpers to be kind and caring towards each other.
3. Consideration.
Have you ever heard a man speak about his wife in glowing terms? That’s what these men did. Even though these men had accomplished much during their lives, they talked about how their wives made it possible for them to succeed.
The women described how their husbands took care of them. Their words glowed with adoration, and none of it felt forced or phony. They genuinely thought they’d married the best man ever, and their husbands reciprocated.
It was apparent that actions preceded these words—years of repetitive, small, consistent actions to care for the other person. They knew that love, as Stephen Covey stated, is a verb first. And they lived life that way.
Early in our recovery, my words weren’t considerate of Dave. They were harsh and condemning. Eventually, God allowed me to hear my words as they flew out of my mouth. At that moment, the guilt of my thoughts and actions hit me full in the face. I knew that my recovery also meant honoring and respecting Dave with my words.
4. Curiosity.
Something about their interactions exhibited curiosity, which I’ve been trying to identify. I’d hear this in the way one would respond to their spouse’s conversation. A delighted laugh or an amazed look. It’s like they said, “Wow! You are amazing. I never knew that.”
Many of them pursued new hobbies and interests after leaving lifetime jobs.
One couple published a book together much later in life.
Another traveled to see new places and learn about different cultures.
They made friends with people of all ages. They stayed current with technology.
They remained involved in their children’s, grandchildren’s, and great-grandchildren’s lives, encouraging and loving them well.
This week, Dave told me a story about a place his family lived when he was in grade school. I’d never heard that story before. We laughed together about the crazy things he’d done, and I realized how God protected him then so we could enjoy life together today.
5. Cherishing.
My eyes tear up as I write this.
In our early years, finding ways to cherish Dave was easy. But after betrayal, it felt forced, even painful. How could I cherish someone who had broken my trust?
I’ve learned that cherishing isn’t about grand gestures—it’s the small, daily acts of love that rebuild what was lost.
I remember the first time Dave brought me tea in the morning after we started rebuilding. It was simple, but it spoke volumes. Cherishing begins in the little things.
Small actions, like
Picking up an afghan and laying it across the other’s legs because there’s a draft in the room.
Knowing he loves a cookie with his coffee at mid-morning.
Straightening his jacket over now-stooped shoulders.
Washing up the dishes in the sink because she cooked dinner.
Reminding him of the person’s name because he struggles with short-term memory.
A secret smile just for the other.
Calling him Handsome, and he calls her Beautiful (gray hair, wrinkles, and all the signs of aging present).
These observable responses and actions were forged through years spent intentionally getting to know each other. What a precious illustration of love that lasts.
This February, I’m working to answer this question: what is love, really?
How well do I practice these five codes with Dave?
- Commitment
- Compassion
- Consideration
- Curiosity
- Cherishing
How will you practice them with your spouse? Which one needs a little dusting off or shoring up? I pray you will find ways to build a love that lasts. And, if you’ve let a few slide, acknowledge it. Then give yourself a massive win by choosing to love your spouse like Jesus loves you.
If you’re wondering how to rebuild love after deep wounds, you’re not alone. Let’s talk. Schedule a free coaching session, and let’s take the next step together.