What if he never stops looking at porn?
A haunting question.
One that causes soul anguish for the wife whose husband struggles with porn.
Just look into her eyes to see her barely restrained tears. Unspoken fears lurk on the edges of her words.
Will she ever know the truth?
Could she survive discovering anything more?
How many more blows can her fragile heart sustain before crumbling?
How my heart weeps when I hear this question.
I long to assure her, “Yes, he can and will.” But that’s not possible because her husband is the only one who determines the answer.
The “What If” question begs possibility based on a choice. If you choose A, you might get result D, but if you choose B, you could get result C or even D. Or you might get some outcome you haven’t imagined.
How can you wrestle this question to a conclusion you can live with?
1. Accept your struggle.
Many women like you ask this question or a variation of it and then apologize for asking it. Please accept the reality of your trauma.
Every time he looks at porn, you feel rejected, unloved, unworthy, ugly, and so much more. I felt them too. You aren’t crazy or overreacting. To heal well, you must process through the emotions and negative thoughts. Ignoring the struggle, slapping a band-aid on it, or denying you need help only prolongs the pain. You can’t wish it away.
Betrayal trauma recovery requires you to grieve the broken dreams, expectations, and beliefs.
2. Accept your limitations.
When your life feels out of control, what do you immediately try to do? Grab control as much as possible. Maybe that’s why this question hurts so much.
You can’t control his behavior, whether he seeks help to turn away from this struggle or what his healing looks like. But it still impacts you. It doesn’t seem fair, does it? You didn’t look at porn, yet you feel the aftershocks. And, if he keeps looking at porn, you aren’t sure you’ll survive. All you want to do is make him stop. Yet, that’s out of your control.
3. Accept your wants.
If you and I sat down over a cup of tea, how would you answer the question, “What do you want to be true in your life and relationship six months from now?” “But, wait, that’s not the question we’re dealing with,” you think.
Your healing journey depends on knowing what you want today to get to where you want to be tomorrow. Get specific about these wants. For instance, you might want to know your husband has told you everything about his porn struggle. Perhaps you want assurance that everything will turn out the way you imagine or better than you imagine. You want this issue to resolve before anyone finds out about it.
Getting clear on these wants helps you process the original question. As a coach, I walk you through each want to move down your healing journey. Sometimes those wants can better be defined as needs–you must have this to continue in your relationship. Others might reveal deeper issues to address through counseling.
What if he never stops looking at porn?
Great question.
By looking at these three areas of acceptance, you begin your healing process. I found I needed help to do that. My counselors and coaches carefully guided me until I learned how to speak honestly with love, walk confidently in who I’m created to be, and own my recovery.
If you struggle with this question, I get it. Some days it still pops into my head, and I go back to my confidence—God. You and your recovery matter to God and to me. I’d love to show you what I’ve learned about living with this question. Let’s talk.