Betrayal recovery is tricky business.
Just when you believe you’ve made progress, something trips you. It could be small or large—doesn’t matter. You find yourself on your knees, feeling defeated, anxious, frightened, or discouraged. How could you be back at this place after all the work you’ve done?
But that’s the nature of recovery.
As a coach and someone who continues her own healing journey, I see this so often—this forward-and-backness of recovery. And I’ve learned a hard truth:
Building Trust Requires Letting Go of Control
Dr. John Townsend says, “To control someone else is to take away some of the choices that are available to them. This crosses a boundary. You are trying to own something that is not yours to own: their freedom.”
When I first learned about my husband’s porn struggles, my initial thought was: I have to fix this. I also felt hurt, betrayed, angry, confused, and stupid. How could he do this… to me?
That thought triggered a false belief and a broken boundary: I tried to own something that wasn’t mine. My husband’s choices were his. Not mine. If I was going to recover from this betrayal, I had to let go of the illusion that I could control his actions or his healing.
Trying to control another’s behavior by taking responsibility for their outcomes is often a sign of codependency. If you look deeper at your motives, you’ll probably discover that the need for control isn’t really about them—it’s about your need for security.
The Bible talks about this tendency, too:
“All the ways of a man are clean and innocent in his own eyes [and he may see nothing wrong with his actions],
but the Lord weighs and examines the motives and intents [of the heart and knows the truth].”
You likely want what’s best for your husband. You honestly desire healing for him and for your marriage. But learning to trust again requires surrendering control.
Control Pushes People Away—Trust Draws Them Closer
In a work environment, we call a manager who micromanages and dictates every decision a control freak. That kind of leadership doesn’t inspire trust—it creates resentment.
Now, transfer that concept to your marriage. The more you try to control your spouse’s choices, the more you push them away. Trust cannot grow in an environment of control.
Almost a year into my recovery, I had an unsettling realization: The more I tried to control Dave’s actions, the more distance developed between us. Looking back, I see the insanity of my thinking—I wanted to trust, but my words and actions demanded control.
One morning, during a personal Bible study and prayer time, I had an epiphany—I am not the Holy Spirit.
God gently convicted me about my white-knuckle grip on the recovery process. I sensed Him inviting me to loosen my hold and trust Him first. Of course, that wasn’t easy. So I asked God for a sign that He was working in Dave’s life.
Within a day or so, Dave came to me—unprompted—and asked my forgiveness for a specific issue that had caused deep pain between us. I had been trying to force change in that area for months. And yet, when I released control, God moved his heart.
That moment reshaped my understanding of trust.
Trust Over Control
Betrayal recovery is tricky business. Just when you think you’re making progress, something triggers old wounds, and suddenly, you’re on your knees again—feeling defeated, anxious, or wondering if you’ll ever truly heal.
But here’s the truth: healing isn’t a straight path forward. It’s a winding road with setbacks and breakthroughs. The key isn’t controlling the process—it’s learning to trust again, first in God, then in yourself, and eventually, in your spouse.
Trying to grip tighter when fear rises won’t bring the security you long for. It will only keep you stuck. Real trust begins when you loosen your hold and allow space for healing to take root.
I know how hard that is. I’ve been there.
But you don’t have to navigate this alone.
If you feel like you keep getting knocked down in this journey, let’s talk. Schedule a complimentary session, and let’s take the next step together.
Click here to schedule your free session.
Healing is possible. You are not alone. 💙