What If You Don’t Know What To Say?
How comfortable are you with someone’s messy story?
The nitty gritty parts your friend dares to reveal. The stuff that makes you cringe. The horror of the story that leaves you speechless.
What if she blurts it out over coffee, and you weren’t expecting the conversation to take that hard left turn?
What if she says she just discovered her husband’s secret life? And it’s not the first time. How do you support your friend through betrayal trauma?
What if she’s crying so hard she can’t breathe?
Do you freeze? Do you panic and fumble for words?
Or do you sit with her in the pain?
“I Don’t Know What to Say.”
That’s okay. You don’t need the perfect words to support a friend through betrayal trauma.
When I first told someone about Dave’s struggle with pornography—and my deep sense of betrayal—I was a mess. I couldn’t contain the pain. I blurted out pieces of the story, probably incoherently. My memory of that moment is foggy.
But here’s what I do remember: her tears. Her nodding head. The kindness in her eyes.
There was no shock, no judgment, no pity. Just presence.
She didn’t try to fix it. She didn’t throw Bible verses at me or downplay what I’d said. She didn’t offer glib encouragement or shift the conversation to her own pain.
Instead, she entered my mess and held my broken, bleeding heart.
That moment helped me breathe again.
Empathy Opens the Door
My husband experienced the same tenderness from the first man he told. No pat answers or quick solutions. Just truth wrapped in grace. That man pointed Dave toward real hope—and real healing.
We both found the courage to take the next step toward recovery because someone cared enough to sit with us in the wreckage.
They didn’t try to fix us. They didn’t panic.
They listened.
They wept.
They believed we could heal.
And because of that, we started to believe it, too.
You’re Not the Answer—But You Can Be a Guide
Too many times in the past, I’ve listened to someone’s pain and felt the pressure to come up with a solution. Not because I had the answers, but because their pain made me uncomfortable.
If I could just say the right thing, maybe the conversation would feel safer… for me.
But healing doesn’t come from quick fixes. It comes from being seen, known, and loved in the middle of the mess.
We’re not called to be their savior—we get to point them to the One who is. We’re called to support a friend through betrayal trauma, even if we are unsure of how.
That’s what my friend did for me. She reminded me that I wasn’t alone. That God saw me. That he wasn’t overwhelmed by the devastation, and he wouldn’t walk away.
Let the Holy Spirit Lead
I’ve learned to let the tears flow rather than rush into words. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is to simply be present.
If they give you permission, pray with them—softly, gently. Not a prayer to “fix the situation,” but one that invites Jesus into it.
There’s something sacred about praying when someone is too heartbroken to speak. The Holy Spirit intercedes in those moments, even when no words are said (Romans 8:26-27). You can trust him to provide the necessary comfort.
Healing Is Possible—But Professional Help Is Essential
You may be the first person she’s told. What a privilege—and responsibility—that is.
As a biblical life coach, I can tell you that walking through betrayal trauma is far too complex to navigate alone. That’s why it’s so important to help her connect with a professional who understands the path to healing.
Not because she’s broken beyond repair.
Not because you can’t love her well.
But because she deserves support from someone trained to help her reclaim her voice, rebuild trust in herself and others, and recover emotionally, spiritually, and even physically.
You can be the bridge that helps her take that first brave step.
What to Say (and Not Say)
If you’re not sure what to say in the moment, try one of these:
- “I’m so sorry. That must have been horrible for you.”
- “Thank you for trusting me with this.”
- “You are not alone. I see your pain, and I care deeply.”
And if you start to cry with her? That’s okay. Your empathy speaks louder than any perfect phrase.
Avoid saying things like:
- “At least he didn’t ___.”
- “Everything happens for a reason.”
- “God won’t give you more than you can handle.”
- “You just need to forgive and move on.”
These responses may come from a well-meaning heart, but they can add to her pain. Instead, ask open-ended questions that invite her to explore her healing journey, like:
- “What do you need most right now?”
- “How can I support you?”
- “Would it help to talk to someone who’s walked through something similar?”
Hope for the Hurting
The first step in healing often starts with feeling heard and seen.
Your presence, your empathy, your willingness to sit in the hard stuff—these things matter more than you know.
When your friend shares her story, she’s not looking for a solution.
She’s looking for hope.
And you can be the one who helps her find it.
Your Invitation
If someone has trusted you with their story of betrayal and you don’t know what to say—start with this: “You don’t have to walk through this alone.”
And if you’re reading this today as the woman experiencing that heartbreak, know this: there is hope for you, too.
You’re invited to the Breathe Again Masterclass—a safe place for women recovering from betrayal trauma to start healing with God at the center.
As a certified biblical life coach, I’ll guide you through the proven Aftershock Recovery Process so you can:
- Rebuild your identity
- Recover emotionally and spiritually
- Begin to trust again—yourself, others, and God
Learn more and register today.
You don’t have to carry this alone.