For me, the most challenging part of betrayal trauma recovery was the spiritual crisis.
It was unexpected—these dark moments void of hope and peace, which created an unsettledness within my spirit, mind, and body.
Those first moments after the discovery of my husband’s struggle with porn created a crisis on many levels. The counselors and coaches told me my response was expected. We moved through the coaching and counseling processes the best we could.
However, the internal struggle hit a more profound crisis level about six months into recovery.
My belief system developed a deep crevice.
What had been my anchor now felt untethered.
For many weeks, nothing I read in the Bible made sense.
It was dry, dusty, and disconnected from my current reality. Therefore, I made excuses to skip reading my Bible one day, which turned into weeks. Why spend time reading the Bible when I got nothing out of it?
Slowly, the time I spent praying also drifted into other activities. My prayers seemed to bounce off the ceiling and land in a pile on the floor.
Did God care about this pain?
Was God real?
Had I believed a lie all these years?
Had I been duped in this area as well?
What if I couldn’t rely on anyone but myself?
And yet, my flagging spirit sputtered reminders.
You were made for a purpose.
God loves you and sent Jesus to die for your sins.
God promised to never leave you.
If these were true, then where was he now?
I fell headlong into the murky waters of a spiritual crisis.
Thankfully, I risked telling Dave and our restoration team about my questions. Once again, God prepared the way for me to walk through this crisis level with support.
And through their support, I found a safe place to process my questions without feeling judged or shamed.
Looking back, I see the grace and benefits of this spiritual crisis, which renewed my faith and trust In God.
Benefit 1: Seeing God as the Bible talks about him.
Being raised in a Bible-teaching church, I knew a lot of verses. I’d graduated from Bible college, where I’d studied the Bible and theology. My brain stored lots of knowledge about God. I’d studied under some of the premier Bible scholars–what a blessing.
Yet I didn’t know GOD personally. I knew about him. Job 42:5 says,
“I had only heard about you before,
but now I have seen you with my own eyes.”
During this intense crisis, I realized the truth of Job’s statement. I hadn’t experienced who God IS, and I desperately needed that intimate relationship with him.
I’ll never forget the day I realized God was present with me.
It had been another day where I felt lonely, scared, and lost. In desperation, I cried out to God, “Where are you? If you aren’t real, then my life is over. I have no reason to keep going.”
If you picked up on the suicidal messaging, you are correct. I was desperate for something to hold onto.
And God answered that desperate plea. I had my eyes closed with tears streaming down my face, but I clearly sensed and then saw Jesus standing off to my right. I watched him reach his hand toward me and lift me from my huddled heap. He told me he was right there and had always been. He would never leave me.
The Bible contains many stories where God reveals himself to his people when they need it. Miraculously and graciously, he did the same for me.
From that moment on, the Bible started to come alive.
I soaked in the Psalms, then Job, followed by the Gospel of John. I pictured Jesus walking with his disciples. Often, I’d close my eyes and imagine walking next to Jesus on a dusty road. What did his voice sound like? How frequently did he laugh? I think a lot.
This new relationship adventure allowed me to expand my understanding of the God of the Bible—the Triune God. And I discovered God is so magnificent—more—than I ever knew.
Benefit 2: Being honest with myself.
The onslaught of the spiritual crisis stripped away my carefully constructed facades. Throughout the recovery journey, honesty became a core issue. Honesty with Dave. His honesty with me.
I didn’t understand how difficult it would be to be honest with myself. My default had been to brush past the hard things for many years. I could reason them away, or so I thought. However, I pushed them into a box, locked it, and tossed it aside, hoping never to deal with the contents again.
Betrayal trauma, followed by depression, floated that box back to the surface.
Facing the dark thoughts, painful memories, misunderstandings, wounds, lies, vows, and even strongholds forced me to take a good look at myself. And not just a look but to pause long enough to deal with those items.
I started with one thing that popped up first. My desperate need to be needed. Where did that come from? Why did that consume me? Acknowledging that pain point allowed me to look at the deeper self-worth issues and replace them with truth.
As I allowed God to speak into each pain-filled area, my spiritual life deepened, and I learned to trust God more. God spoke grace into each healing point.
Benefit 3: Building a solid belief system.
Several years ago, I heard a professor say that we needed to understand God’s nature to the point that we know that we know that we know the Bible is true and God exists. That’s not an exact quote, but it’s how I remember it.
My spiritual crisis and the recovery process forced me to find this solid footing. Living life tossed by emotions and doubts felt exhausting.
I wrestled with who God is and what that meant for my life.
If God is truly loving, why did He allow this betrayal? If He’s good, where was that goodness in my shattered heart?
The questions felt relentless.
Was there a purpose in this pain? Could anything good come from the devastation?
I wasn’t interested in clichés or easy answers.
I needed something tangible that could hold me up when everything else felt like sinking sand.
Slowly, as I sat with my pain and kept seeking Him (even on the days I didn’t feel like it), I began to see how God was working, not by fixing everything immediately but by transforming me from the inside out.
I realized my pain wasn’t wasted.
Ephesians 2:10 says:
“For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.”
God still saw a masterpiece even when I felt broken beyond repair.
His poiēma (Greek) means uniquely and thoughtfully crafted. He wasn’t finished with me. The betrayal, heartbreak, and questions were part of the reshaping process, not the end of my story.
I also found comfort in Romans 5:1-5:
“Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”
The suffering wasn’t pointless—it was producing perseverance, character, and hope.
I didn’t see it at first, but looking back, I realize God wasn’t just healing my heart. He was rebuilding my foundation. He was reshaping my identity—not as a betrayed, broken woman, but as His beloved daughter with a purpose and a future.
This wasn’t an easy journey. It was painful, raw, and sometimes felt never-ending. But on the other side, I found a God I could trust with my whole heart—not because life worked out perfectly, but because He met me in the brokenness and never left.
Your spiritual crisis doesn’t have to end in despair—it can be the very place where your faith becomes unshakable.
I know how painful and disorienting it feels to question everything you once believed. But I also know the freedom and deeper intimacy with God waiting on the other side.
If you’re feeling stuck, lost, or unsure how to move forward, you don’t have to navigate this alone. Let’s explore how your pain can become a turning point, not the end of your story.
Schedule a complimentary Find Hope Again session today—together, we’ll uncover the beauty and strength God is building within you, even in this season.