Benjamin Franklin quipped:
“Watch the little things; a small leak will sink a great ship.”
As Dave and I worked through the betrayal trauma in our marriage, words felt cheap. We discovered it was simple to say something like, “I forgive you.” However, walking out those words took more effort and intentionality.
When it comes to building strong relationships, the small choice matters.
1. Forgiveness costs something.
Walking out forgiveness meant not bringing up the betrayal whenever I felt threatened.
Accepting forgiveness required the betrayer to stop self-flagellation.
Forgiving another meant ditching the victim mindset.
I found living with an attitude of forgiveness much more complicated than I had first believed.
God tells us we are forgiven of all things through Jesus Christ.
In Luke 7, Jesus comments on a woman who had been forgiven much and, thus, loved much. This unnamed woman washed Jesus’ feet with her tears and anointed them with costly fragrant oil when the host didn’t extend common courtesy to Jesus. Her love for Jesus (in Hebrew: ahavah) resulted in actions that drew criticism and ridicule from the religious leaders in her town.
Passages like this one cause us to reflect on which character in Jesus’ story best represents how we live today. From time to time, I’ve been the woman weeping, but other times, I’ve been a Pharisee completely missing Jesus’ way. Where do you find yourself in this passage?
Forgiveness costs.
Maintaining an unforgiving attitude damages any relationship.
2. Trust requires something.
Broken trust takes time to heal.
Building trust with another person requires action. Trust isn’t something you can demand from another. At the same time, withholding trust out of punishment or fear prevents others from trusting you.
We were a couple of years into our recovery process when Dave told me he’d had a relapse. Wow, did that hurt. By this point, we’d worked through many issues, but he’d become a little lax in some life disciplines, so when the trigger came, he started down a path he didn’t want to use. Thankfully, he recognized the issue, contacted one of his accountability partners, and stopped that negative progress. I remember the look on his face as he told me about this incident.
It took courage to tell me about the incident. Dave faced his fear that I would react negatively or lash out at him as I’d done so often in the past. By God’s grace and healing strength, I listened and asked clarifying questions before responding. Yes, it stung. But I was grateful he told me. We’d promised to have no more secrets between us. He could have kept quiet, but that meant breaking his vow to be honest with me (a little thing with a significant impact).
After hearing this confession, something unexpected happened. Dave built trust with me. I experienced his commitment to honesty no matter what. I watched him overcome his fear and tell me about this stumble.
Also, I built trust with Dave because I maintained emotional stability through this conversation. Though I felt the wound open a little, I could express honest sadness over his experience because I better understood the heart and soul damage he experienced with any p*rn use. Yet, for the first time, I didn’t feel waves of anger directed towards him. Instead, I saw his personal growth and mine instead of the stumble.
We’d both lapsed in our daily commitments to strengthen our personal and relational health. This stumble reminded us that the small choices do have an immense impact.
3. Words matter.
Yes, words are cheap when they aren’t backed by action. However, what you say does matter. In Proverbs, we learn that words bring life or death.
When was the last time someone said “thank you” after you did the slightest thing for them? How did you feel? That person spoke simple, life-giving words to you.
Way too often, we hear negative or critical words. Maybe you grew up hearing, “You’re so stupid. You’ll never amount to anything.” Or perhaps something like, “Everyone from that [surname] is mean and worthless.” Words spoken over you or about you impact how you believe, think, and act. They are simple things, often thrown out without thought.
The words we speak and believe are part of the small things to adjust after betrayal. So many women dealing with betrayal trauma use words like:
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- I’m so stupid.
- I’m ugly.
- I should have known.
- I’m worthless.
- I’ll never be able to trust again.
- What’s wrong with me?
They turn their pain inward after discovering their partner’s p*rn struggle. These precious women believe his struggle is their fault. Not true. His struggle is his. But it does impact you as well.
Others weaponize words, too. Have you ever heard or said, “You’ll never amount to anything.” Or, “Shame on you!” Words like these throw pain-filled poison darts into your heart and soul. The Bible reminds us that there is great power in the spoken word. Thus, God’s admonition to use words wisely and not like a fool.
In the initial open wounds of betrayal trauma, I used words to vent and cause pain to Dave. I wanted him to hurt like I hurt. Wounded people indeed wound others. I weaponized my words to do just that. But Dave wasn’t the only one who felt my word-wounding.
For too long, words flowed unfiltered out of my heart. And sometimes, they still do when I stop paying attention to the small things. During my recovery, one of my coaches encouraged me to study the Bible’s words “fool” and “mocker” to help me learn the importance of using words to bring life.
If you relate to this word-wounding tendency, I encourage you to study “fool” and “mocker” in the Bible to understand God’s viewpoint.
Relationship recovery requires focus on the small choices.
They matter. Sometimes, even more than the big things. Small choices aren’t as flashy or noteworthy, but they are the consistent behaviors and actions that prove your heart change.
Those insignificant daily practices show your spouse that you can be trusted. And that’s the big thing every marriage rocked by betrayal must rebuild to move forward.
As a betrayal recovery coach, it’s my privilege to walk with you on your journey to wholeness. I’ve learned what it means to take care of the small choices in my life and relationship with Dave so we can build a healthy, vibrant relationship. I’d be honored to show you how. Click this link for a complimentary session. Together, you and I will find your way forward.