A sense of betrayal—one of the devastating aftershocks of discovering your husband’s porn struggle. These questions dig deep gouges in your mind.
- How can you believe anything he tells you?
- What else has he lied about to you?
- Who is this man?
- How could I be so stupid?
- Is there a man I can trust?
Unless you’ve experienced this aftershock, you might not grasp the underlying emotional and spiritual implications.
Let’s look at three statements that may stockpile more shame on a woman feeling the sense of betrayal.
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“Quit making such a big deal over this” can often be a typical response to these thoughts, especially when a woman risks voicing them.
This type of comment causes further damage to the betrayed wife. In the article “How Porn Can Hurt A Consumer’s Partner” on fightthenewdrug.org, the researchers report,
“Even if not seen as cheating, porn can still cause a deep sense of betrayal and mistrust. The secrecy, shame, isolation, and mistrust that can be introduced into a relationship by porn consumption can then snowball into all kinds of problems.”
Further research in this article indicates that continued porn consumption degrades a couple’s attachment bond and creates a sense of betrayal in a woman. (Zitzman, S. T., & Butler, M. H. (2009). Wives’ experience of husbands’ pornography use and concomitant deception as an attachment threat in the adult pair-bond relationship. Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity, 16, 210–240.)
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Faithful God-fearing women often hear, “You must forgive him and keep your marriage intact. As a Christian, you are commanded to forgive your husband.”
As the betrayed wife who wants to follow God’s commands, this comment stockpiles additional confusion and shame. Perhaps she’s tried to forgive him, but he hasn’t changed. She finds new evidence of his porn consumption. Now what? Is she supposed to forgive him while he continues this behavior continually?
When the religious rulers brought the woman caught in adultery to Jesus while he was teaching a crowd, notice Jesus’ response to them and to her. Jesus’ only comment to the rulers was, “Let the one who is without sin throw the first stone.” Then he returned to writing in the dirt. One by one, the rulers left.
Jesus and the woman remained in the middle of the crowd. Jesus’ words to the woman addressed her sin, calling her to repentance. No belittling.
By the way, where was the man? See what the Law of Moses says about this situation in Leviticus 20:10 and Deuteronomy 22:22.
Mary DeMuth, in her eye-opening book We Too, challenges us to look at forgiveness through the lens of the one traumatized. DeMuth describes forgiveness [emphasis mine],
“What happens when someone who has harmed us doesn’t ask for forgiveness? Consider Luke 17:3-4, noting the word ‘if’: “So watch yourselves! If another believer sins, rebuke that person; then if that person wrongs you seven times a day and each time turns again and asks forgiveness, you must forgive.’ What precedes forgiveness? Repentance and asking for forgiveness. . .While it is important to forsake a bitter heart while letting go of the pain a perpetrator caused, that process is wholly individual. . .To force-prescribe forgiveness on a traumatized person is to superimpose your perceived road of recovery over them, forsaking the fact that God has each on a unique journey.”
My forgiveness journey took quite a while. Sometimes, it was a minute-by-minute decision to keep that bitter heart from taking root. Only by God’s grace and power do we forgive as God tells us to forgive.
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“Are there any men I can trust? God is a man. Can I trust God?”
This was unexpected spiritual fallout from discovering my husband’s porn consumption. Intellectually, I knew that God was good. I believed that he controlled my life and my husband’s life. God wanted the best for me.
Then why didn’t he keep my husband from looking at porn? My reasoning went something like this:
- God is all-powerful and all-knowing
- God could prevent my husband from this sin
- God says he always provides a way out of the temptation
- God said he’d protect me
- This hurts more than anything
- I feel unsafe and unloved
- God let me down
- Maybe God doesn’t love me as much as I thought
- God didn’t keep his promise to protect me; otherwise this wouldn’t have happened
- Maybe I can’t trust God either
When a woman struggles with deep questions like these, she needs to be heard. Too often, well-meaning people spout quick religious catchphrases meant to help but often deepen the confusion and pain.
As a coach, I pray that I hear the underlying spiritual pain as much as the emotional pain. I encourage the women I walk alongside to read the Psalms, especially the lament psalms. These poems focus on real emotions and struggles the writer faced and you face today. For example,
O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever?
How long will you look the other way?
How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul,
with sorrow in my heart every day?
How long will my enemy have the upper hand? Psalm 13Jesus quotes part of Psalm 22 before his death on the cross (see Matthew 27 and Mark 15).
You have solid precedence for telling God about your deep pain. You can ask him your hard questions. Job did. I encourage you to write your lament psalm and read it to God. Then, listen for his response. No one can convince you that God can be trusted. Your journey toward trust, like learning to forgive God’s way, is individualized. Look for the evidence. Test God and see how he responds. God promises that when you seek him with your whole heart, you will find him.
Feeling deep betrayal? You’re not alone.
Have you heard these sentiments or others like them? You’re not alone.
Are you worn out from carrying this heavy shame? You don’t have to shoulder it alone.
There is a way through this sense of betrayal to hope and freedom.
It’s been my journey for the last 17 years. I haven’t arrived yet, but I’ve come a long way. True hope is found in Jesus, your savior and redeemer. God keeps his promises and never leaves you alone, even though you feel like it. You can learn how to forgive without developing a bitter heart. Let’s talk.