Devastated. Kara slumped in her favorite spot, knees pulled up. “What did I do wrong? How long have you been watching porn?”
Todd shot back, “It’s not like I had an affair! All guys look at porn. What’s the big deal?”
“How can I trust you again? Did you ever love me? I mean, really?” Kara sobbed.
“Unbelievable. This is why I never told you. It’s not about you at all. You always make everything about you. I need it to help me relax. I work hard to provide for you and our family, you know. Besides, you’re never available anymore. A guy’s got needs.”
Todd and Kara reached an impasse. Painful words followed by icy silence. Tension crackled between them. Kara sensed Todd felt ashamed, but right now, she didn’t care. She felt his betrayal throughout her body while her mind fought to process this discovery.
Choosing to reject porn brings freedom
Instinctively, Kara knew Todd’s porn use was unhealthy. And not just for him, but for her, for them, for the kids. While shock clouded her thinking, her soul reached toward God for answers.
Yet even in that soul cry, she wondered if God could be trusted. Would he answer her pleas? What would happen to her, to their marriage?
In Romans 8, the Bible tells us that when we can’t pray or don’t know what to pray for, the Holy Spirit prays for us. He understands our painful groans. Kara’s reaction to Todd’s news comes from understanding how sin destroys our lives and separates us from a deep relationship with God and each other.
What does the Bible have to say about the freedom we feel when we reject porn?
The Bible doesn’t specifically address pornography. But it does instruct us on how to live lives pleasing to God and beneficial to us. Look at the following verses.
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- Romans 12:1-2 The Message version. “So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.” [Emphasis mine]
- Ephesians 4:17-32 The Message version. “And so I insist—and God backs me up on this—that there be no going along with the crowd, the empty-headed, mindless crowd. They’ve refused for so long to deal with God that they’ve lost touch not only with God but with reality itself. They can’t think straight anymore. Feeling no pain, they let themselves go in sexual obsession, addicted to every sort of perversion. . . everything—and I do mean everything—connected with that old way of life has to go. It’s rotten through and through. Get rid of it! And then take on an entirely new way of life—a God-fashioned life, a life renewed from the inside and working itself into your conduct as God accurately reproduces his character in you. What this adds up to, then, is this: no more lies, no more pretense. Tell your neighbor the truth. In Christ’s body we’re all connected to each other, after all. When you lie to others, you end up lying to yourself. . . .” [Emphasis mine]
- Colossians 3:1-17 The Message version. “So if you’re serious about living this new resurrection life with Christ, act like it. Pursue the things over which Christ presides. . .Your old life is dead. Your new life, which is your real life—even though invisible to spectators—is with Christ in God. He is your life. . .And that means killing off everything connected with that way of death: sexual promiscuity, impurity, lust, doing whatever you feel like whenever you feel like it, and grabbing whatever attracts your fancy. That’s a life shaped by things and feelings instead of by God. . .So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. . . .” [Emphasis mine]
- 1 Corinthians 7:1-6 The Message version. “. . . It’s good for a man to have a wife, and for a woman to have a husband. Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to ‘stand up for your rights.’ Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. . . .” [Emphasis mine]
- Matthew 5:27-28 The Message version. “You know the next commandment pretty well, too: ‘Don’t go to bed with another’s spouse.’ But don’t think you’ve preserved your virtue simply by staying out of bed. Your heart can be corrupted by lust even quicker than your body. Those ogling looks you think nobody notices—they also corrupt.” [Emphasis mine]
- Philippians 4:8-9 The Message version. “Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.” [Emphasis mine]
- Hebrews 13:1-4 The Message version. “Stay on good terms with each other, held together by love. Be ready with a meal or a bed when it’s needed. Why, some have extended hospitality to angels without ever knowing it! Regard prisoners as if you were in prison with them. Look on victims of abuse as if what happened to them had happened to you. Honor marriage, and guard the sacredness of sexual intimacy between wife and husband. God draws a firm line against casual and illicit sex.” [Emphasis mine]
- Proverbs 5:17-20 The Message version. “. . .Enjoy the wife you married as a young man! Lovely as an angel, beautiful as a rose—don’t ever quit taking delight in her body. Never take her love for granted! . . .”
- 2 Corinthians 5:9-10 New Living Translation. “So whether we are here in this body or away from this body, our goal is to please him. For we must all stand before Christ to be judged. We will each receive whatever we deserve for the good or evil we have done in this earthly body.” [Emphasis mine]
- Romans 6:12-14 New Living Translation. “Do not let sin control the way you live; do not give in to sinful desires. Do not let any part of your body become an instrument of evil to serve sin. Instead, give yourselves completely to God, for you were dead, but now you have new life. So use your whole body as an instrument to do what is right for the glory of God. Sin is no longer your master, for you no longer live under the requirements of the law. Instead, you live under the freedom of God’s grace.” [Emphasis mine]
As you evaluate your relationships and life, which of these passages could you apply to rejecting porn in your life and marriage?
Todd and Kara can work through the issue and recover from his porn use and her deep wounds. Did you notice what happened in their initial discussion? They allowed their words to become personal attacks instead of focusing on the relationship damage.
“Never let the problem to be solved become more important than the person to be loved.” -Barbara Johnson
If your marriage suffers from the damage of porn use, please reach out. You can recover and find a new path forward.
