Saundra couldn’t understand why she felt listless and uneasy. Her mind wandered more often than not, ever since Tim’s bombshell. She always thought they had a good marriage. Best friends, they talked about everything. But porn? Really? How could he? What went wrong?
Like many women, Saundra feels the shock, trauma, and grief caused by discovering Tim’s porn usage.
Nothing remains the same in her world. Life as she knew it was destroyed. She probably feels isolated and filled with shame. No longer can she trust Tim or feel any intimacy.
“The opposite of loneliness is not togetherness, it’s intimacy.”
― Richard Bach
And when that happens, working through the issues one-by-one takes time, forgiveness, persistence, transparency, counseling, and coaching—together and individually. Though painful, healing is possible. How do I know? I live it every day.
Before the healing can begin, it’s necessary to identify why your husband’s porn use feels so awful.
Which of these reasons do you relate to?
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- You feel abandoned.
- You feel rejected.
- You feel unloved.
- You feel worthless.
- You feel ugly or old.
- You feel lied to.
- You feel stupid.
- You wonder what is wrong with you.
- You feel like you did something wrong.
- You wonder what else he’s lied about.
- You question your entire relationship.
- You feel panicked.
- You lose trust in him.
- You question everything he says to you.
- You feel afraid to ask what else he’s done.
- You compare yourself to those images and fall short.
- You question why God didn’t prevent this from happening.
- You wonder if God does love you.
- You doubt God is good.
- You feel isolated and alone.
- You feel ashamed.
- You believe you failed at being a good wife.
- You wonder why you didn’t pick up on the signals.
- You don’t want to talk to him or look at him.
- You wonder if you will ever trust him again.
Like Saundra, I experienced each reason and many more.
While discovering the depth of the damage done by his porn use continued to cause additional pain, I also grew up. The Bible tells us that we will struggle with difficulties, disappointments, betrayal, and pain. Our fight is not with each other but Satan, who seeks to kill and destroy us at every turn. If we choose, recovery from betrayal teaches us a mature faith, growing more like Jesus every day through the work of the Holy Spirit in our lives.
I believe you can recover from every reason his porn use feels awful.
But it is your choice. One of the lies of his porn addiction is that you are stuck in this painful cycle. The truth is, you are not stuck unless you choose to remain enmeshed in this destruction. God promises to provide a way through the struggle if you will follow his lead.
Which of these reasons has you on pause? From experience, I know that you can overcome each one.
You are loved unconditionally.
You are worthy of honor, respect, and honesty.
God remains in control with goodness, grace, mercy, and strength to bring you to the other side of this trauma.
If you don’t know where to begin, please reach out. I promise to hear your heart and help you find your path forward. Your tomorrow can be different from today. Let’s talk.
