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AddictionBetrayal

Playing With Fire In Your Marriage? 5 Things You Need To Start Doing

By May 17, 2019January 27th, 20232 Comments
playing with fire

In an April 2019 article on FoxNews.com, Jana Kramer, actress and country singer, talked about why she won’t hire a young nanny. Her husband, former NFL tight end, Michael Caussin, struggles with sexual addiction and Kramer isn’t playing with fire in her marriage.

Caussin played for the Jacksonville Jaguars, the Buffalo Bills, and the Washington Redskins. While with the Redskins, Caussin and Kramer began dating. Married in August 2015, they separated one year later due to Caussin’s infidelity and sexual addiction. After Caussin sought rehab for his ongoing sexual addiction, the couple renewed their vows in December 2017.

Basically, Jana gave Michael an ultimatum to figure it out or she was gone. Today, both are open about the problems sexual addiction created in their marriage. However, they are equally upfront about how they work on their marriage daily. Through telling their story, they hope to help others.

One way Kramer realizes she can help her husband is to carefully screen everyone they consider as a nanny for their two young children. According to this article on FoxNews, Kramer points out that young women seeking a nanny position on Care.com don’t think about the pictures they post. As Kramer says, “Don’t you know the female is hiring?”

Kramer makes a valid point in this interview. Why would she play with fire in her marriage by hiring a young, perky, beautiful girl who advertises her beauty, over her brains, to be a nanny? The nanny is an integral part of the family—at least that’s what one hopes will happen. But, parading an attractive young girl under the nose of your husband who struggles with a sex or pornography addiction isn’t smart. You set him up to fail.

Not planning to hire a nanny? Nope. Me neither. So how does this apply to you?

Don’t play with fire in your marriage by setting up your husband to fail.

You may be helping their negative temptations if you don’t pay attention to certain inherently male characteristics.

Most males:

  • Are visual creatures
  • Require WAY more affirmation than we think
  • Are vulnerable (ESPECIALLY if they are recovering from sexual addiction or pornography addiction)
  • Need to know you find him physically attractive

Practical ways YOU can help YOUR husband:  

  1. Anticipate problematic scenarios and avoid them.

As a woman, it helps to understand most men are visually stimulated. With this understanding, we can avoid certain scenarios. One thing I learned to do at our house was to change the channel or ask my husband to look at me when underwear or sex-driven commercials appeared on TV. He didn’t need to be tempted to look at the scantily clad women. Plus we use that time to connect with one another instead of starting the Cycle of Shame™ for him.

By doing this, I show him I care about protecting his eyes, mind, and his recovery. Often, men use commercials as an excuse to ogle every beautiful creature on the screen. While it’s true most men are hard-wired to notice beauty, loving your husband means understanding and intercepting situations that cause temptation. The Bible calls this living with each other in an understanding way.

  1. Be intentional and point out the positive.

Because men need more affirmation than we believe, it is smart to be intentional about what you say to him. The first time I understood this was during our recovery period. I realized I could take way more time to do simple, positive things. Like saying a simple, “Thank you.” It seemed small to me, but I watched my husband’s eyes light up and stand straighter. At that moment, I decided to be more purposeful about complimenting him on something every day.

Did your husband clean up the kitchen after dinner? Thank him! Did he text you during the day to tell you how much he loves you? Thank him with a passionate kiss when he gets home. When you walked into the restaurant and the hostess’ cleavage was prominently displayed, did he move his eyes up and away or toward you? If so, tell him how thankful you are for what he did. Acknowledge every effort he makes to maintain his purity.

Trust me, it’ll encourage him more than you know.

  1. Make wise media choices.

Because men recovering from sexual or pornography addiction are vulnerable, it makes a huge difference to be wise in your media selection. You wouldn’t take a recovering alcoholic to a bar before their 12-step meeting. Think the same way to protect your husband.

Recovery isn’t as simple as stopping. That’s what I thought, but I was wrong.

Several clinical studies prove that pornography or sexual addiction rewires the brain. Therefore, for your man to overcome this addiction, brand new neuro-pathways must be formed. This process doesn’t happen overnight, but each choice he makes to walk away from the temptation helps create that new path.

You can help him. Do you watch movies with sex scenes? Find another movie. Better yet before you pick what Netflix or others suggest, read IMDB reviews and Parent Guide before deciding to watch the movie. Those reviews are spot on most of the time and you won’t be playing with fire.

Do you have magazines with half-dressed women or catalogs such as Victoria’s Secret, in your house? Get rid of them. That’s too much temptation to put before your man. Eliminate those permanent images lying around your house for your husband and your sons and daughters. Celebrate images of strong women.

Once you do a clean sweep of the print materials, turn your attention to your internet access. The internet is rife with pornographic information. Discuss accountability software with your spouse. Review the benefits and uses at a site like Covenant Eyes. We use this software on all our devices. Even my computer and smartphone has the software installed. Doing so gives both of us the peace of mind because all activity gets tracked.

  1. Remind him how much you find him attractive.

Want to help your man’s eyes stay focused on you? Let him know how attractive you find him. Be specific. Be genuine, but don’t limit yourself to Valentine’s Day. Find a great trait to highlight each day.

Tell him what turns you on. Make sure he knows how much you love and appreciate him.

Study your man. What do you do or say that proves you find him attractive?

  1. Be an encouraging, attractive place for his eyes and heart to land.

Throughout every day, your man experiences visual images at a rapid-fire pace. Do you greet him at the end of his long day looking good or are you grumpy and disheveled?

Are your first words to him after work kind or condemning? Think about what would make you want to come home to him and then do the same for him.

You can’t force your husband to look only at you, nobody wants a robot for a spouse, but you can sweeten the image. Be creative and attentive to how he responds to your efforts. Then keep surprising him.

As gorgeous and talented and successful as Jana Kramer is, she still understands her husband’s weakness. She wants her marriage to succeed. Therefore, she willingly works to avoid temptations for her husband. Smart woman.

What are you doing to protect your husband today?

Me? I plan to greet him with a huge smile, kiss, and tell him how proud I am of him.

If you need help, please reach out. I promise to listen without judgment and help you take the next step.

  • Kirsten D Samuel

    I empower Christian wives to discover they are seen, loved, and heard. These women find the freedom to be who they are beyond their partner’s struggles, and find hope that there is a life worth living.

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