Nine months or so into our recovery from betrayal trauma and depression, the process felt muddy. Never-ending. The hope from the beginning dimmed.
We were deep into the messy middle of recovery.
Dave and I argued more than we ever had. We struggled to talk about anything other than the elephant in the room—our betrayal recovery. My struggle with depression didn’t help one bit.
I felt weepy, discouraged, and defeated. Would this never end?
All I wanted was to wave a magic wand and Move. On. Enough already.
Going to counseling and recovery coaching appointments every week kept the struggle at the forefront. Looking back, it was all necessary and life-changing. But at the time, I could only describe it as heavy and gray.
After starting personal counseling to deal with my severe depression, I thought a few sessions would do the trick. I’d be better in no time. You’d think I’d have a more realistic sense of what’s involved in recovery since we were already in betrayal recovery, which was a slow process. But, no. I still didn’t comprehend the enormity of the recovery process, so I slapped an unrealistic expectation on myself and my counselor.
And felt more defeated.
Would life be this hard from now on?
That messy middle trips you up every time.
Whether it’s a business project, home remodeling, medical issue, or betrayal recovery, the messy middle is well-named.
How do you move through the messy middle instead of becoming stuck?
1. Use your rearview mirror well.
It’s not healthy to spend your life looking at what was. But taking quick looks in the rearview mirror to assess how far you’ve come provides perspective, which you need in betrayal trauma recovery.
That stinky elephant doesn’t leave your life quickly. And picking up the messes takes time and effort. Often, when in the messy middle, those piles feel never-ending. When they do, take a quick glance.
What have you learned since starting this process?
Where do you have healthy boundaries where there haven’t been any?
How have difficult conversations changed?
Celebrate every forward movement.
Caution: Driving forward doesn’t happen well if you only focus on the rearview mirror. The discovery of porn’s invasion into your relationship was a point in time (flash point). Don’t get stuck there.
Look forward to your hope-filled, recovered future. You will get there.
2. Strengthen the team.
If you and your husband both want to save the marriage, then you have similar goals.
That’s wonderful! Celebrate that.
However, your recovery process and his will look different, which is normal. To strengthen the team, focus on behaving like you are on the same team. My favorite imagery is that of two warriors in hand-to-hand combat. These seasoned warriors stand back-to-back and move together with a 360° view.
You strengthen the team when you recognize that the opponent is the trauma, not your husband. Sometimes, you forget to link arms and push toward the same goal in the messy middle.
This could mean reducing or eliminating time around a person because they are toxic. Whenever one of you spends time with this type of person, you pick up negative remarks that affect how you relate to your spouse. You might also stop watching certain movies or television shows because you recognize the content doesn’t enrich your relationship.
Strengthening the team means building your team mindset. You’re in this fight to eliminate porn’s influence on your relationship. Therefore, what can you change, adopt, or do to enhance life?
3. Practice consistency.
How do you create lasting change? Consistent actions practiced repeatedly over time. It’s not rocket science, but it is hard work.
What does consistency look like?
When you call your husband, he answers the phone, and vice versa. Why does this matter? You’ve placed the highest priority of your time on him and he on you. You’re never too busy for him. If you can’t answer immediately, you agree to return the call or text within five minutes.
It’s so simple, yet it helps build trust every time. When Dave traveled during our messy middle, I struggled with concerns over what he might be doing. We decided to implement this five-minute rule. We also used video chat technology to maximize the interactions. Sometimes Dave couldn’t talk when I called because he was in a meeting. When that happened, he’d quickly answer, let me know what was happening, and then call me at the end of the meeting.
Developing consistent, healthy ways to interact with each other helps you navigate through the messy middle. Plus, you build trust with each consistent action.
The messy middle of recovery feels overwhelming, but it’s not the end of your story.
Each small, consistent step forward brings you closer to healing and freedom. You don’t have to navigate this process alone—I’m here to help. Schedule a complimentary coaching session today, and let’s work together to continue through the mess and rediscover hope. Your brighter, hope-filled future is within reach.