Many women ask if their husbands can break free from porn. Thankfully, I can assure them it is. My husband and many, many other men have. These men live free today from the craving for and desire to indulge in porn.
And that’s worth celebrating! ? ??
Let’s look at 5 Life-Giving Relationship Benefits of leaving porn behind.
1. Puts your relationship first.
Actor Terry Crews boldly talks about his porn addiction. In one statement, he says that his porn addiction changed him so much that his wife left. “My wife was literally like, ‘I don’t know you anymore. I’m outta here.’ And that changed me. Because you realize: Yo, this is a major, major problem. I literally had to go to rehab for it… Once I was aware of what it was doing to me, it changed me.” After Crews got help for his addiction, he and his wife Rebecca reconciled.
Ladies, if you know your husband continues to watch porn, it’s time to confront it, as Rebecca did boldly. You can have a monogamous, healthy relationship with your husband. And he can leave porn behind if he’s willing to get the necessary help.
2. Rekindles intimacy.
A person addicted to porn often equates intimacy with sex. But that’s a one-sided, distorted view of intimacy. A porn addict needs to learn that they can live without sex. Because as Luke Gilkerson writes in his blog post on CovenantEyes.com, “For many porn addicts, sex is life to them. Intimacy is about sex and nothing else.” To develop a healthy view of intimacy, it’s crucial to de-throne the idol of sexual gratification. Many counselors and therapists recommend a fast from sex for 30-90 days to facilitate the brain detox from porn.
Learning to laugh together, play together, discover new interests, hold hands, pray together, and more helps a couple strengthen their emotional, mental, and spiritual intimacy. If they decide, upon the advice of a counselor, to abstain from sex as part of the healing process when they do come together physically, what a celebration.
3. Increases gratitude for each other.
Along with building intimacy, leaving porn behind allows you to rediscover what you love about your spouse. As the brain detoxes from porn, you notice more about the people around you without the distorted images and expectations. You find ways to express and receive gratitude apart from sex.
As the wife of the recovering addict, you also need to work on building intimacy. And that can be a bit unnerving. Intimacy involves trust, which was broken by porn. Building trust happens slowly over time. Some women I talk with have struggled for months and years to learn to trust their husbands again. We use gratitude to look for ways we see him being honest and accountable. Joann Condie calls this showing trustworthiness through observable actions.
4. Expands Your Horizons.
Due to guilt and shame, porn tends to isolate you from others. Your world shrinks, and you lose track of time. As the wife of a porn addict, you also isolate yourself out of fear–what if you slip and someone discovers what your husband’s doing? What will your friends think about you? Probably the same thing you believe—if you’d been a better wife, sexier, lost the baby fat more quickly, wasn’t so worn out, etc.
As you heal from the effects of porn addiction, many of those fears dissolve. You realize it’s fun to be with others again because you don’t feel so guarded. If someone learns about the struggle, it’s part of your story but doesn’t define who you are. Plus, if you have healed enough that your marriage remains intact, you have that beautiful gift to share with others. A better relationship allows you to dream together again, further expanding your tight world.
5. Changes you and him.
Crisis and trauma change us. We can’t help it. Choosing to heal from porn and the aftershocks of porn requires leaving behind past attitudes and behaviors. You figure out what drove you to seek out porn and deal with that core issue. As the affected spouse, you also discover the fears and lies you believe. And to build trust and intimacy, you decide to allow God to heal your heart.
As you heal, you discover you don’t want to go back to what you thought was so good. You understand the old way of life got you to where you are today. You need a new “normal” that builds on transparency, authenticity, and oneness. Once Dave and I realized this, our lives radically changed. Life now is so much better, and so is our marriage. Yes, change hurts. We grieve the change but embrace what is good and move forward to what is better.
You and he can leave porn behind.
A quick Google search reveals over 1.2 million articles with success stories. Each one has one thing in common: they got the help they needed. Very few men can break porn addiction alone.
As the spouse of a recovering addict, you also need help to overcome the aftershocks. Your story is unique to you because you are one-of-a-kind. I promise to listen to you, your pain, and your heart. You can recover one step at a time. Let’s talk.
