In Chicago, the news is buzzing with special holiday trains getting ready to leave various stations. This annual event invites people to ride with Santa. It’s also a time when the CTA (Chicago Transit Authority) gathers donations and delivers holiday food baskets to needy families in the Chicago area. I am grateful for the opportunities to make a difference for those that need help this holiday season.
While this city hangs lights and evergreen swags and decorates trees and store windows, hurting people wonder how they will make it through the holiday season, which is approaching like a runaway train.
Many women express concern about how they can possibly be thankful for the season when they aren’t sure they want to be around their husbands after discovering his betrayal.
I vaguely remember the first Thanksgiving after Dave’s confession.
We’d been meeting with our restoration team of coaches for a couple of months. I struggled with trauma brain and fatigue, yet I didn’t sleep well. Dave and I had painful conversations with the team and were making changes. But our relationship still teetered.
By this time, we’d participated in a listening and healing prayer retreat, which helped me unlock a painful memory. It was another step in my healing process.
However, the thing I dreaded most would come right after Thanksgiving.
After 25 years of planning and preparing holiday meals, it now felt foreign.
Not only did I lack the emotional or mental energy to spend the day with family and friends, but I also struggled to plan the meal. My girls helped tremendously to pull off this meal because I remember little. I don’t know if I even took pictures like I typically did.
Monday loomed.
What would we discover in this intensive marriage counseling?
Would I survive any more devastating news?
What if the counselor told us we needed to end the marriage?
What would I do?
So many fear-laced questions raced through my already foggy mind. The spin cycle worked overtime to heighten my fears and increase my anxiety.
I felt nauseous.
Fragile.
Held together by sheer willpower.
I caught myself holding my breath often because it felt too painful to breathe.
It’s good that no one took my blood pressure during that time. My heart felt like it would pound out of my chest any minute. Recalling this memory makes my palms feel clammy. This is the nature of trauma. Our bodies recall the nuances from the past and quickly the mind starts reliving the event.
Today, I can say I’m grateful (even though my palms started to sweat).
At this Thanksgiving season seventeen years ago, God brought his redemptive, restorative work into powerful action in my life and my husband’s.
Here are three discoveries about healing for which I’m grateful:
1. You will survive going through the pain.
Everything in us works to avoid pain. Think about it for just a moment. God hard-wired us to protect ourselves. While this protective instinct heightens your awareness of danger, left unchecked, you might live forever in fear of anything that could cause pain. What kind of life is that?
I remember a movie years ago about a young boy born with a rare disease that leaves him without a functioning immune system. He lives life in a sterile environment but longs to interact with others. Eventually, he comes to a life-altering pain point where he confronts his protective instincts (and those of his parents) to risk a relationship.
Seventeen years ago, I’m thankful God allowed the suppressed secrets to be exposed. Facing this pain has been one of the hardest healing journeys I’ve ever experienced. But the pain of maintaining the secret was much worse. I will never regret my choice to walk through this pain to find hope, healing, and freedom in my life.
2. God is with you.
It is often difficult to recognize God’s presence in a traumatic moment. That’s why I’m thankful that God allowed me to see his hand clearly and quickly on our discovery day. It was not a coincidence because the answers and path were too improbable. And yet, God never left my side or Dave’s.
You can read more details about that here.
Even though I dreaded the upcoming intensive marriage counseling, I knew God had provided for it perfectly. The timing worked easily, and we had the money to cover the costs.
While I could find evidence of God’s protection, I still felt the pain, confusion, and fear of the outcomes. I wanted to trust God, but I wasn’t sure I could. I pulled back from him during this time. Yet he never turned his back on me.
3. You will grow stronger by facing the pain.
I thought facing this nightmare would destroy me. Though I was broken from this trauma, I was not destroyed. Those thoughts were lies designed to prevent me from getting the help I needed.
If you’ve followed me for any time you know that the best thing I ever did was reach out for help. Staying silent or trying to cover up the trauma would have increased my internal pain and destroyed my ability to have a healthy relationship with anyone.
Today, Dave and I look back to the people we were and say, “Thank GOD we got help.” Life today feels more free, fun, and fulfilling because it is. We have learned resilience by walking through the painful brokenness and surrendering to God’s internal work.
Learning the skills necessary to heal from betrayal trauma changes and softens you. It’s an ongoing process that, gratefully, continues.
Do you dread the holidays?
Does this runaway train feel overwhelming? Please schedule your complimentary Find Hope Again session now. Let’s lay out your plan to navigate the holiday season well. Wouldn’t it be great to look back at this time in January and say, “I faced my pain, saw God work for me, and feel stronger than ever?” You can get there. Let me show you how.