Belle sat stunned.
“Belle, you have to believe me. I promise it’ll never happen again! You’ve got to believe me. Please. Belle?”
She couldn’t look at him. How many times had he promised her he was done with porn? Belle couldn’t ignore the evidence before her. Not only had he broken his promise by looking at porn, but he’d looked multiple times over the last month. She glanced at the image that had popped up based on recent searches.
Silently, Belle left the room.
For the rest of the day, Greg seemed relieved that his recent struggle was now out in the open.
He hated keeping secrets from Belle. Yes, he’d broken his promise to her. But it’d been months since he’d looked at any porn. Months!
He’d do better.
“Why did Belle look so crushed?”
Barely aware of her surroundings, Belle couldn’t get that image and the raw truth out of her mind.
If you’ve heard your husband or significant other promise to stop watching porn after they’ve been caught, you relate to Belle.
He’s apologized (or she, if she’s the struggler) and feels relieved. She’s (or he’s) devastated and feels like her (his) world has changed forever.
There are good reasons why the spouse of the struggler feels everything has changed in their relationship and wonder if they will ever find hope after betrayal. Look at three must-haves for the healing journey.
1. A genuine, sincere apology.
You know that we use words easily for the most part. Think about when you get caught doing something you aren’t proud of. How quickly do you respond with “I’m sorry” and hope you can move on with life? I’ve done that more than I’d like to admit. That quick apology doesn’t heal the relationship.
A woman hearing these words from her husband after discovering his porn use must have the belief that he feels genuine sorrow. How will she discern this? If his apology includes taking responsibility for the actions.
Joe Dallas points out that fervent apologies don’t help. “If you’re truly sorry, say so with all the emotion you feel. But don’t expect your intensity alone to be enough evidence that you’ll never slip up again. The most passionate confession doesn’t compare with consistency. True repentance is only proved through changed behavior over time.”
I agree. Many clients ask me how I knew my husband sincerely wanted to change. It wasn’t his apology that gave me hope after his betrayal. I saw his deep remorse and tears, but that wasn’t enough. Dave proved his words through consistent actions to get the help he needed. Further proof came when he understood I needed just as much help to recover. Recovery costs–emotionally, relationally, mentally, physically, spiritually, and financially.
2. A solid recovery plan
I think about the times I’ve hurt someone I loved. Those bonds were broken. Some irreparably. Trust was never rebuilt because I didn’t understand the need to prove my words through action. The damage was too significant in a relationship that wasn’t initially strong.
You can rebuild trust by acknowledging the damage you’ve caused. Again, mere words aren’t enough to give a spouse hope after betrayal. The betrayer embraces the actual cost of their porn use by taking full responsibility for the brokenness and aftershocks to his wife and family.
Dr. Peter Kleponis encourages the wife to write a letter to her husband explaining all the ways his porn use has hurt her. She reads this letter aloud during a marriage counseling session. After hearing her heart, the husband then writes a letter to his wife, in which he sincerely enumerates what he’s done (owning the issue) and the actions he commits to do to heal. He reads this letter in the next session. Dr. Kleponis calls this a “sincere apology.”
Knowing your husband’s recovery plan gives you a sense of hope, which checks off the second must-have. I remember when Dave told me about the plan he and Peter designed. While I was still pretty numb (only 24 hours since discovery), I saw Dave taking positive action. I noted that and watched to see how long it would last.
Further proof of his sincerity came after he met with the counselor. At that point, Dave understood this recovery process wouldn’t be quick and easy. Yet, he committed to doing whatever it took for us to get healthy, personally and relationally. He realized his porn struggle did impact more than himself. His struggle impacted me, our family, his job, and more.
3. A roadmap to success
No one recovers perfectly. Mistakes happen. Part of your recovery process involves learning how to navigate these potholes on the road to recovery.
Sometimes, a quick apology can be a smokescreen to divert the spotlight from the actual issue– ”I have a deep problem.” Therapist Sam Louie, in an article on PsychologyToday.com, refers to this as “cognitive disorders or ‘thinking distortions’ that keep [the person] trapped in the cycle of addiction.”
Louie explains that when a person gives a quick apology without acknowledging the actual problem, the person remains in denial. The focus is on the external issue, not the internal problem.
Authentic living requires you to acknowledge the underlying issue, i.e., I feel like I don’t matter, so I engage in multiple sexual encounters to prove someone finds me attractive. This disordered thinking allows the struggler to deflect responsibility for their choices and actions.
Part of Dave’s and my recovery process involved intensive counseling and ongoing coaching. Through working with these neutral professionals, the smokescreens were identified and dismantled. We learned how to identify and communicate our emotions in healthy ways.
Which of these must-haves to find hope is missing from your healing journey after his betrayal?
You might have heard that your only options are to put up with it and move on or leave him. I don’t agree, and I don’t believe that is God’s desire for you, your husband, or your marriage. There is hope after betrayal. There is a better way through this devastating discovery that starts with
-
- A genuine, sincere apology
- A solid recovery plan
- A roadmap for success
Your world has changed dramatically, dear one.
The good news? You’re not alone. You matter to God and me. That’s why I coach women just like you through this recovery process. I want you to know the freedom I’ve found to live authentically, not perfectly, in all relationships, including with my husband. We did the inner transformative work that changed our lives. I’d love to show you how.