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Is It Guilt Or Shame? One Couple’s Story To Seek Complete Recovery

By June 16, 2023October 23rd, 2023No Comments
guilt or shame

Can your marriage survive discovering your spouse’s porn use? 

Yes, it can. 

One step we didn’t understand at first was our need to deal with the guilt and shame we felt. Though the spouse of the struggler and the struggler may face different types of guilt and shame.

Dave and I had to resolve our personal issues before we could separate the porn struggle from the person.

Dr. Brene Brown says that guilt says you did it. Whatever “it” may be. It’s accepting personal responsibility for your actions. Shame, however, says I am it. 

Shame lies. It personalizes your guilt feelings into a new identity. And the enemy of our souls and truth wants nothing more than to freeze you in this new identity. After all, if he can poke you and whisper lies about your worthiness and value, he prevents you from becoming all God designed you to be

For the spouse of the porn user, the lie says you are not worthy. You pick up the shame because the porn use attacks you at your core. 

For the porn user, especially a person of faith, the lie accuses you of not being a true believer because if you were, you wouldn’t look at porn or seek it out. The enemy whispers that this failure is your true identity. 

In this recent discussion, Dave and I talk about how guilt and shame entered into our recovery journey. 

Please click the picture below to watch this 8-minute video where we talk candidly about identifying guilt and shame, their sneaky counter-attacks, and how we discovered freedom. 

What guilt or shame do you feel today? If you need help working through these issues, please get help. We did. That professional help changed the trajectory of our recovery. 


  • Kirsten D Samuel

    I empower Christian wives to discover they are seen, loved, and heard. These women find the freedom to be who they are beyond their partner’s struggles, and find hope that there is a life worth living.