One of the most devastating side effects of betrayal trauma is how easily we can start bullying ourselves.
Have you noticed it? That inner voice that whispers—or sometimes shouts—things like: “You’re not enough. You’ll never get it right. You’re a nobody.” These aren’t just thoughts; they’re words meant to hurt, diminish, and keep you small. And here’s the kicker—you’re the one saying them to yourself.
I recently worked with a client who had a startling realization: she was gaslighting herself. Think about that. She was trying to convince herself of a “truth” that wasn’t even true. Words like stupid, unworthy sounded familiar because she had heard them so much from others in her life. But she was echoing them herself, and the impact was devastating.
A bully’s goal is to feel powerful by putting someone else down.
When you bully yourself, you’re letting that inner voice usurp God’s authority over your life. And the cost is high: confusion, shame, self-doubt, and distance from the God who truly knows you.
That’s why practicing gratitude after betrayal trauma is so important.
It doesn’t erase the pain, but it helps you notice God’s hand in your life even in the midst of it. It reminds you that your value isn’t defined by what’s been broken or by the lies you’ve believed about yourself. You focus your heart and mind on the good things each day. This focus rewrites the narrative in your brain with the help of the Holy Spirit.
The Bible reminds us in 1 Corinthians 4:4: “My conscience is clear, but that doesn’t prove I’m right. It is the Lord himself who will examine me and decide.” Your intentions might be good. But God alone sees your heart completely, understands your motives, and reveals that inner bully trying to sabotage God’s goodness poured over you.
I grabbed my journal one morning and asked God to show me where I might be bullying myself.
What came back were loud, undeniable truths. Words flowed with the ways I spoke harshly over my own heart. And sitting there, I realized how often I treated myself worse than anyone else ever could. What did it gain me? Absolutely nothing. Every time I bullied myself, I was basically telling God, “I know better than you.” Arrogant and false—because nothing could be further from the truth.
God doesn’t bully.
When correction comes, it comes with love and hope. Proverbs 3:12 says, “For the Lord corrects those he loves, just as a father corrects a child in whom he delights.” His guidance is rooted in delight, not shame. His words are meant to lift, not crush.
When you start practicing healing after betrayal, you begin to replace those harsh lies with God’s truth.
Mary DeMuth writes in The Freedom of Surrender, “Why is it that we are kinder to strangers than we are to ourselves? Why is it that we can give a hearty nod to loving our neighbors, but when it comes to loving ourselves, we balk? False humility may be in play (where we feel it’s ‘right’ to put ourselves down), but perhaps there is more to it?…What happens when those inner bully voices become truth to us? Could it be that they become comfortable? Or better yet, welcomed because they are known? Sometimes dysfunction can be so common in our lives that we mistake it for health.”
Those inner voices that have shouted lies for years may feel familiar, comfortable even. But familiarity doesn’t make them true.
Here’s a practical step to practice healing after betrayal: talk to “the woman” in the mirror.
Yes, literally stand in front of the mirror and look her in the eye. Listen carefully to what you tell her. Notice if your words are harsh, dismissive, or loving. And then, begin to speak what God says about you: “You are chosen. You are treasured. You are enough.” At first, it may feel awkward. Maybe she’ll even snicker at you. But persistence matters. Every time you choose God’s truth over the lies, every time you practice overcoming self-blame, you strengthen your heart and silence the inner critic.
Your inner critic may have been shouting for years, but you have a choice.
Practicing gratitude after betrayal trauma reshapes your heart, allowing God’s hope and peace to take root where shame and self-blame once lived.
You begin to see yourself through His eyes, not through the lens of what’s been broken, rejected, or betrayed.
Choosing gratitude doesn’t mean ignoring the pain or pretending everything is okay. It means recognizing your worth, embracing God’s love, and stepping into the life He’s calling you to. You are treasured, you are chosen, and every day you practice this, you are moving closer to freedom and peace.
Because here’s the truth: God sees you. He loves you. And nothing—not the lies, not the shame, not even the betrayal—can change that.
Through the end of this year, choose to practice gratitude even while dealing with your betrayal trauma.
Allow the simple act of speaking kind, thoughtful words over yourself change your outlook. If this feels difficult, reach out. I’d love to give you more practical tools to help you silence your inner bully and step into the freedom Jesus offers you. Let’s talk.