As a child, I’d anticipate a fun activity and often couldn’t sleep. But then something always seemed to go wrong—the car broke down, the dog sitter canceled, or I got sick.
Life disappointed. Life hurt. How I responded to that pain shaped the outcome.
Just like those childhood setbacks, betrayal can throw our lives into chaos—but the way we respond can determine whether we stay stuck or start healing.
Your spouse’s betrayal devastates you. I’ll never forget that pain, and I don’t believe God expects me to either.
My husband’s p*rn struggle revelation crushed me.
That day, when he [Dave] called me to report the outcome of the meeting at work, I responded graciously, grateful we didn’t need to add immediate termination to this mess. Yet, deep sorrow and confusion continued to drag me deeper into negative thoughts. Questions barraged my bleeding heart. How could he do this? Why would God allow pornography to invade my life and home? Though I knew the Bible said God was always present, I wondered. Perhaps I didn’t matter that much to God. Obviously, my husband didn’t love me enough to leave porn alone. Something had to be wrong with me. Maybe I wasn’t lovable.
I heard Dave’s relief but couldn’t join him. What if he believed he got away with it? Would he continue his behavior? I couldn’t trust him or God because both let me down. Could I learn to trust Dave and did I want to?
As for God, I knew he created me and maintained sovereign control over the universe, but maybe I needed to rely upon myself from now on. I gathered this fear and abandonment pain like a toddler clutches his favorite blanket. Dirty, torn, and disheveled, I grabbed a few more bricks to reinforce the walls around my heart.
What choice resulted from my thoughts?
As someone who’s experienced betrayal trauma, you might relate to these self-protective thoughts.
However, my decision not to trust God brought more pain and confusion.
In his book, The Wounded Heart, Dr. Dan Allender describes the defensive tendencies of women who suffer abuse. I became the Tough Girl, emotionally distant behind a self-constructed wall. Take charge and competent with a big heart but suspicious of every person’s motive, angry, arrogant, and emotionally dried up. I was the only one who could take care of me.
Thankfully, God didn’t give up on me like I had on him.
Jeremiah 31:3 says that God loved Israel, who had turned their backs on him, with an everlasting love. God continued to pursue them, to love them with unconditional love, never giving up on them.
Like the nation of Israel, though I had walked away from God in my pain, he continued to pursue me.
He surrounded me with people who prayed for me and loved me through those months and years of disbelief, disappointment, and destruction.
The Bible says in James 5 to tell others when we’ve messed up. Ask for their prayers and listen to their insights. While common knowledge tells us to keep our struggles to ourselves so we present a formidable image (Tough Girl logic), God encourages us to get the help we need from others who know, love, and serve him. Through others’ prayers for me, and for Dave, we worked through the ugly stuff toward healing.
In becoming honest I found healing. You can too.
Healing doesn’t require perfection or pretending.
It starts with admitting what hurts and asking God to walk with you through it.
Sometimes a trained, faith-centered coach can help you see what’s truly yours to carry, gently guiding you toward healing without trying to fix anyone else.
God’s love is steady and unchanging. He will meet you in the pain and gradually rebuild what betrayal has broken. Step by step, heart by heart, he restores.
You don’t have to navigate betrayal alone.
Let God and the people he has placed around you help carry the weight. Begin today by:
- Admitting your pain and sharing it with a safe, trustworthy person.
- Asking God to meet you in the hurt and give you courage to face it.
- Seeking prayer and guidance from a faith-centered coach or mentor if you need support navigating your next steps.
Healing starts with honesty, faith, and the willingness to let God do the work in you—even when the path is messy and slow.
One step today can begin the journey toward restoration, peace, and trust—not only in your marriage but in God’s unshakable love for you.