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5 Techniques to Fight Like A Girl for Your Marriage

By October 11, 2020August 31st, 2022One Comment
fight for your marriage

Why do award speeches usually mention moms and coaches?

Standing on that stage, the honoree sees it.

They know sometimes we need someone to believe in us.

Someone to encourage us to:

Jump higher.

Dig deeper.

Look within.


Trust yourself.

Press on.


Athletes, musicians, CEOs, and politicians have one thing in common.

A coach.

At least those who desire to be elite do.

One award-winning coach, whom I know personally, led The Ohio State University Wrestling team to a National Championship. I had the honor to help Coach Tom Ryan craft his new bestseller, Chosen Suffering: Becoming Elite in Life and Leadership.

Coach Ryan understands that becoming elite in every area of life involves daily disciplines and changes.

He spurs his team on and relies on his coaches to push him to the next level.

“Movies span around ninety minutes, highlighting the here to there as though that’s enough time to showcase the true struggle that’s foundational in growth. Infomercials advocate perfect abs in ten minutes. The quick-fixes are untrue and deceitful to our psyche. It’s a lie. It preloads inaccuracies that lead us to not being ready for the agony it takes to grow and flourish.”

“The agony it takes to grow and flourish,” I remember being stunned when Tom said that.

Oof. Who wants to sign up for agony? But I do want to grow and flourish.

We only get one life.

Almost fifteen years ago, I knew I needed a coach. Our normal, tidy life exploded with my husband’s confession of his addiction to pornography.

Hiring a coach meant I had someone in my corner, challenging and encouraging me.

And it changed my life. It may sound dramatic, but it saved my life.

Today I am proud to be that coach for others.

My friend, Linda Outka, author of Pebbles in My Shoe, reminds me often of the benefits of transformational coaching:

  • Better relationships
  • Insight to take action toward your goals
  • Confidence to become more self-reliant
  • Greater responsibility and accountability for your actions and commitments
  • Communication that works
  • Goals that get checked off
  • Healing

When you discover your husband’s porn addiction, your life feels up-ended. Sure, you may be functioning at work or with the kids to make it through the day. But you can’t do that forever.

Imagine how you’d like to feel in one year or five or ten.

What do you need to adjust today to get there?

Where do you start?

When your spouse has betrayed you, what do you do next to fight for your marriage?

I coach women whose husbands struggle with porn addiction.

This type of coaching and the relationship is special. Trust, openness, and safety are paramount.

It’s not about national championships.

But it is “the fight of your life.” And for your marriage.

You find yourself standing on the sidelines of a life you don’t recognize because you don’t remember signing up for the team. Yet, here you are.

I know because I lived it.

Your heart and mind cannot conceive of this in your life. It’s hard to wrap your mind around much of anything right now. The rug? Pulled out from under you! And lit on fire! I remember it.

As a coach, I see beyond that initial shock and aftershocks to your healing and believe in your future FOR you until you can.

Nothing brings greater joy than to help you take a breath, discover practical, I-can-do-this next steps, pin down the lies swirling around you, and encourage you about your new future.

Instead of working to get your life back to normal, we uncover a better life for you. Normal brought you to where you are today. 

Here’s how to use award-winning wrestling techniques to fight like a girl  for your life and marriage:

  1. Stretch.

    Like Tom, every smart coach knows before you can push your body to greater endurance, you have to stretch to loosen up the muscles. That’s also important when discovering new ways to do life. We must acknowledge our current circumstances before we can find solutions. Yes, I ask a few tough questions, but always with the intent to help you call your situation what it is. We don’t want a pulled muscle, just a gentle stretch to let us know something will change soon.

  2. Warm-up.

    There’s a section in Tom’s book where he describes a wrestling warm-up session. Every time I read it, I laugh. This warm-up exhausted him. I get it. That happens during some coaching sessions. And it’s okay. You and I discuss timing. How do you address the situation that caused the pain? What techniques can we use to prepare for the tough discussions? All are designed to avoid finger-pointing and accusations, but open the door for healing.

  3. Respect your opponent.

    Your spouse isn’t your enemy. The porn is. Respect goes both directions. To find hope and restoration, we discover ways to remember the good, identify destructive patterns and behaviors, and define positive ways to build healthy boundaries.

  4. Seasons aren’t won in a single match.

    You don’t get to the championship level, the elite level, without consistent small wins over time. The same is true in your marriage. The win comes through daily choices, steps, and victories in changed behavior and conversations. Your marriage doesn’t have to dissolve. You can heal one choice, action, and decision at a time.

  5. Post-match evaluation.

    Why do athletes review video recordings of their matches? They analyze each move to discover where they messed up, where they need to build strength, and what went well. Sometimes they discover they need a totally new game plan. When porn invades your marriage, the post-game evaluation points to a pivot in your marriage. You know what isn’t working—porn addiction. Now it’s time to discover new techniques, strengths, and practices. A transformational coach helps you do that. The good news? You can have a full-color, laugh-again life built on truth, hope, accountability, responsibility, and transparency.

Key Training Point: You cannot continue with life as normal because that life allowed pornography to be part of your story. It’s time to choose whether or not you want to fight for your marriage. 

Finding a coach creates space for you to grow and flourish.

I understand the desire to clutch this issue to your chest and cry silently.

Who could possibly understand your feelings?

Your husband, who vowed to protect you, is addicted to something that makes you feel invisible, ugly, worthless, dirty, ruined, furious! That’s how I felt.

Joyce Meyer asks a great question, “Do you want the temporary pain of progress or the eternal pain of staying the same?” A strangely familiar question to the one my coach asked me.

For years I wondered why God allowed this horrible pain in my life. But I don’t wonder anymore. I believe God allowed this pain to draw me closer to Him and care for other women whose husbands are addicted to pornography.

Research shows that online porn viewing rates are just as high in men who attend church as those who don’t. And TechCrunch reports online porn viewing increases infidelity in marriages by 300%. I was shocked. But I’m not anymore. I know there’s a battle for our husbands’ hearts. And it is destroying marriages. But it doesn’t have to be that way. I chose to fight for my marriage instead of walking away. Not every marriage can be saved, but neither does every marriage have to dissolve because of porn addiction.

I help wounded women heal from this horrible pain. I offer a tender heart and one-on-one help through my short-term, affordable Aftershock Recovery coaching. You deserve to heal whether he decides to change or not. You don’t have to live with that pain. I can help.

  • Kirsten D Samuel

    I empower Christian wives to discover they are seen, loved, and heard. These women find the freedom to be who they are beyond their partner’s struggles, and find hope that there is a life worth living.

    View all posts

One Comment

  • Linda Outka says:

    Kirsten, because you have passed the test, you not only have a testimony, but you also have the credibility to coach others to receive their healing and transformation. Thank you to both you and Dave for saying “yes” to your calling which is so deep and personal. God is using your transparency and your story of redemption to make all things new in other people’s lives. Bless you!