They slid into the booth in my direct sight. He eased her coat from her thin shoulders while she gave him a Duchenne smile before settling into the comfy seat. So diminutive, she seemed overshadowed by the booth’s walls.
Slipping in next to her, he placed an arm around her shoulders with a gentle squeeze. Again, that beautiful smile.
My eyes filled at the tender scene.
Watching them, I couldn’t help but think—this was what it looked like to feel truly safe and valued in a relationship.
In his book Cherish, Gary Thomas discusses how feeling cherished creates that deep sense of security between spouses. The couple before me seemed to embody it, but what I noticed next told me there was more to their story.
But cherishing your spouse doesn’t just happen—it takes intentionality.
And if you’ve walked through betrayal, it might feel entirely out of reach.
I remember when Dave and I were in that place. As the betrayer, he wasn’t sure I’d ever recover from the hurt. He didn’t know how to prove he loved me after destroying my heart like he did.
As the betrayed one, I wasn’t sure I could ever trust him again, let alone feel safe with him. Cherishing him? Not even on my radar.
However, a year or so into our recovery, we felt safer after building new trust. I became more aware of what helped Dave remain sober from porn and wanted to create that space for him. I wanted him to succeed in his recovery. Together, we identified behaviors, habits, and interests that weren’t helpful to his recovery and agreed to discontinue them. These choices helped Dave feel cherished and understood rather than judged or shamed.
Dave identified which of his actions made me feel seen and valued. He learned more about my struggle with depression and how to recognize the warning signs. We began to pray together regularly and to pray over each other. We invited God into this healing process. Every time Dave prayed for God to heal the deep pain and confusion, I felt cherished.
One of the most significant ways we show (or withhold) cherishing our spouse is through our words.
I didn’t fully realize this until a coffee conversation with a friend made me stop and think—how was I speaking about Dave?
How I spoke about Dave to others resulted from what I thought about him. And changing my thoughts would take hard work.
After that conversation, I asked God to change my thoughts about Dave. I wanted to move beyond the betrayal point and see his healing progress instead. God opened my eyes, allowing me to change my focus from my wounds to gratefulness. He worked with me to recognize that small progress is still progress. The forward momentum mattered more than getting everything right all the time.
But another interesting thing happened when I spoke admiringly about Dave. When Dave heard me speak this way about him to others, he felt deeply cherished. He realized I saw the work he was doing. He felt respected and honored—and he was—because I used my words to honor him. This change in my thoughts did impact the words I used to describe my husband.
Thomas writes this about the importance of our words.
“Every conversation—every one!—takes you closer to or farther away from a cherishing marriage. The Bible declares this truth: ‘The tongue has the power of life and death’ (Proverbs 18:21). . . if we want our spouses to feel cherished, we may have to work at a few things we’re not so good at by nature. Words are too powerful a tool not to put into service if we want a cherishing marriage.”
The waitress approached the couple to take their order.
The man leaned in to hear his wife’s words, smiled and nodded, and then relayed them to the waitress. I do not know why the wife didn’t speak to the waitress. Honestly, what captivated me was watching their unspoken interactions.
I want to believe this couple’s relationship was something special.
Maybe it was. Or perhaps they’d learned how to cherish one another.
From their physical appearance, it was clear that they had spent many years of life together. Their language was forged through circumstances and shared experiences and, I believe, from understanding what it means to cherish and be cherished.
I left the restaurant humbled to consider how well I focus on cherishing my spouse.
If betrayal has left you feeling stuck—unseen, hurt, or hopeless—I understand. Maybe cherishing your spouse feels impossible right now. But healing is possible; you don’t have to walk this road alone.
If you’re ready to process your pain and move toward healing, I’d love to support you one-on-one. Let’s talk—schedule a complimentary coaching session today.
Or you and your spouse have worked through the initial betrayal discovery, but your marriage still feels disconnected. You want to rebuild something strong, but you’re not sure how. Dave and I have been there, and we’d love to guide you forward—schedule a complimentary couples chat with us here.
No matter where you are in the journey, hope and healing are possible.
Let’s take the next step together.