We called my sister the “heart freak.”
Born the day before Valentine’s Day and on our grandfather’s birthday, she collected heart-related things and loved them. Any gift from her inevitably had a heart somewhere, often to the chagrin of my boys. 🙂 I believe finding hearts in crazy places was one way she connected with God.
A woman (or man) who experiences betrayal trauma might talk about hearts differently.
They might tell you they have a broken heart. 💔
Or someone might be said to wear their heart on their sleeve (tender-hearted). 🫶🏻
A distant and disdainful person could have a cold heart. ❄️💙❄️
A broken relationship yields a wounded heart. ❤️🩹
Perhaps the heart most people want to avoid is the hard, stony heart. 🪨🖤🪨
My granddaughter brought me a recent find from her day at the park several years ago. It was a perfectly formed and smooth heart-shaped rock. Every time I look at that heart, I see her beautiful, wide-eyed face with her hands reaching toward me in total delight. This heart-shaped stone resonates with love, delight, and discovery.
That’s not the type of stony heart I’m talking about.
In Ephesians 4, God warns us about the dangers of a hard heart, also known as a stony heart.
With the Lord’s authority I say this: Live no longer as the Gentiles do, for they are hopelessly confused. Their minds are full of darkness; they wander far from the life God gives because they have closed their minds and hardened their hearts against him. They have no sense of shame. They live for lustful pleasure and eagerly practice every kind of impurity.
But that isn’t what you learned about Christ. Since you have heard about Jesus and have learned the truth that comes from him, throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception. Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. Put on your new nature, created to be like God—truly righteous and holy.
When betrayal trauma enters a marriage relationship, the hard, stony heart becomes a real danger if you don’t guard against it.
Deep wounds, harsh words, long silences, habitual lying, and such can plant seeds of doubt in the broken open heart.
The person who’s been lied to often shuts down to avoid feeling more pain. While this emotional shutdown is understandable, it may build resentment unless the person gets help facing the wound one step at a time. That negative thought process feeds a stony heart.
How do you overcome the stony heart?
1. Capture your thoughts.
In the passage above, God encourages us to let the Holy Spirit renew our thoughts and attitudes. That sounds great, but how do you do that?
Start by admitting what those thoughts are—good, bad, ugly, painful, anger-filled, self-denial, avoiding, unrealistic—and getting honest with yourself. Often, you’ll need someone to help you process these thoughts.
You might also discover additional thoughts surface after you deal with the first layer. This is normal. Welcome to this next level of healing.
Jesus taught us that “A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. What you say flows from what is in your heart.” Paying attention to the condition of your heart—broken, tender, cold, wounded, or stony—impacts your life.
2. Practice gratitude.
This is more than saying “Thank you,” which is always good. However, Dr. Marcus Warner explains that appreciation is the number one way to grow joy and thus overcome a stony heart.
Dr. Jim Wilder encourages everyone to develop the habit of practicing five minutes of appreciation three times a day over 30 days. This habit will change your brain chemistry. However, as Drs. Wilder and Warner further explain this habit requires five continuous minutes—a task.
How do you do this? You could relive an enjoyable past event. Once that event comes to mind, allow yourself to focus on it completely. You might be surprised at the emotions that surface, the smells, or even how your body responds to the memory.
Another way is to anticipate an upcoming event. As Dr. Warner surmised, often, the anticipation of the event turns out to be more enjoyable than the actual event. I’ve had that experience. I derived more pleasure from planning an event than from the event itself, and it was completely worth it.
Gratitude rewires your brain, which affects your heart as well. Think about the emotions accompanying gratitude—excitement, joy, peace, etc. Want to chisel away the stone around your heart? Adopt this task of practicing gratitude.
I encourage every client to start a gratitude journal. Daily, write down at least three things for which you are grateful. But after what I’ve learned about rewiring the brain, I now encourage you to relive those gratitude moments in great detail. Sit with each one and write your thoughts about that moment.
You can overcome a stony heart by practicing these two choices.
Wounded hearts bleed profusely. If you care for yours tenderly and intentionally, by God’s grace and through his work, you can experience healing accompanied by resilience. God promises to give you the Holy Spirit, who does the renewing work in you.
But if you aren’t careful, your wounded heart will receive lies that take root and could turn to stone, never to be hurt again. I pray this isn’t your choice.
Wounded hearts heal.
I’d love to show you how. Click this link to schedule a free Find Hope Again session.