During some recent training on brain neuroscience and understanding the wounded heart, Dr. Marcus Warner taught about the “way to grow joy.”
I couldn’t take notes fast enough!
Can you grow joy?
Yes. It turns out that joy is more than a choice, as I’ve previously thought and taught. God created a “joy center” in the brain, if you will. Neuroscientists identify this joy center as the right inferior temporal gyrus or the right orbital prefrontal cortex. This joy center can be grown, strengthened, and verified through brain scans.
It’s the kind of geeky stuff that I find fascinating. And I have much more to learn!
For someone dealing with betrayal trauma, developing the joy center becomes more crucial.
Anyone who’s experienced trauma struggles to move beyond the hurt. Often that person doesn’t have the capacity for joy for a time. Their sharpest memories involve excruciating pain and tearing apart intimate connection.
I didn’t see those good memories early in my recovery, but they were there. The betrayal tried to taint the memories by hinting they weren’t true. With professional help, I learned to see those memories through accurate history, not revisionist history. Not everything in my relationship was a lie, so it was healthy to remember the truly good times.
Learning about this stuff without practicing it doesn’t do much good. As a betrayal recovery coach, I love helping my clients find those good memories to revisit.
How do you build your brain’s joy center?
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Daily habit.
Spending 5 minutes of appreciation or gratitude three times daily for 30 days will change your brain chemistry. Dr. Jim Wilder studied this correlation and found that habit actually builds your grey matter. Gratitude resets your nervous system to run on joy.
This isn’t just about thanking someone, though. Think of it more like a timed test. You spend 5 minutes dwelling on a delightful memory or anticipating an upcoming adventure.
Facetofaceministries.org has a quick checklist to help you do this. Like learning any new habit or routine, this gratitude practice takes…well…practice.
Step one challenge: make a list of all past events that always bring a smile to your face. You might even grab some pictures to help trigger the memories. Incorporate these into the next step.
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Schedule gratitude appointments with yourself.
Gift yourself a gratitude journal where you can add the list and pictures or other visual reminders.
Designate a specific place for this journal and a favorite pen. Make sure it’s a quiet location and one you’ll enjoy.
Make three daily appointments to practice gratitude. One of these appointments within an hour of bedtime will encourage restful sleep.
Step two challenge: Get your journal, pen, and location ready. Then put appointments on your preferred calendar with any necessary alarms.
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Silence your mobile phone, tablet, and computer notifications.
You can’t focus with these interruptions. Your mind will take enough rabbit trails.
Do yourself a favor and put these tech devices into do-not-disturb mode.
Step three challenge: Commit to setting do-not-disturb on all your tech devices during this gratitude exercise time.
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Time these appointments.
After this training, I had time to process and decompress before my next training, so I tried this gratitude habit. I recalled a pleasant memory, delighted in it, and then checked the time to see how long I’d been at it—less than one minute!
Don’t be surprised that five minutes is longer than you might think. That’s why I recommend setting a timer. This tool helps you call your mind back when it wanders—and it will.
Step four challenge: Find a timer and keep it handy.
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Get curious about how you respond emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually.
The checklist on facetofaceministries.org encourages you to follow these gratitude times with breathing exercises.
After each session, you might take a few seconds to add to your gratitude journal the curious things you discover. Doing so helps you track your progress.
Each morning, notice your sleep patterns. What has changed? How’s your fatigue level? What kind of dreams did you have?
Step five challenge: Add your curiosity observations to your gratitude journal after each session.
Robert Brault said, “Enjoy the little things. For one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.”
He’s right. Those moments I reflect on with gratitude and appreciation often involve interactions with someone or a simple location. Just imagining my grandchildren lights my soul. Immediately, I picture them running toward me with their arms open, hearing their lilting, “Grandma!” I’ll happily replay those memories over and over.
How well do you build your joy center?
If this sounds foreign and impossible, please reach out. I promise to listen to your pain to help you move one step forward. If you allow it, we’ll design the way through the pain and build your joy center together. Let’s talk.