Growing up, we played a game called Kick the Can. It’s a wild combo of hide and seeks, tag, and capture the flag. Though I wasn’t good at it, it sure was fun to play. The whole concept of
- knowing where the can was
- working on setting all those in jail free
- running from the person who was It
involved teamwork and strategy. To win, it took a team effort.
Porn addiction recovery feels similar.
As the wife of a recovered porn addict, here are 5 truths about porn I wish someone would have told me when I was younger:
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Porn is not acceptable. Ever.
This month is #nopornovember, a movement created by FightTheNewDrug.org to educate our culture about the significant harmful impact porn has on individuals, relationships, marriages, and society. Porn isn’t something to be winked at and accepted. Just like that can in the middle of the playing field, the porn elephant in the room must be acknowledged and kicked on down the road.
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Porn destroys lives.
Today, in a quick internet search, you can find multiple research articles with staggering statistics about the destruction caused by porn. It fuels sex trafficking, teaches users to objectify others, promotes sexual violence, encourages slavery, divides ethnic groups, and normalizes abuse. In short, pornography usage encourages the addict to look at another human being as if they were a thing. The user loses the ability to uphold God’s view of humanity—extraordinary, unique, memorable, and of inestimable value. Pornography usage traps you in a jail that others are reluctant to unlock.
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Porn use won’t stop on its own.
The addict (your husband) needs help. Finding a sexual addiction counselor for him is critical. If you need references, please reach out to me. I’m happy to provide resources.
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Porn doesn’t destroy only the user.
What I didn’t understand about porn addiction was the damage to my heart, mind, and soul upon his revelation. Things my gut had been telling me now made sense. I felt unseen, worthless, unlovable. I adopted the identity of being a failure, ugly, and not acceptable. It felt like no one would kick that can far enough away to rescue me. Do you relate? I understand your pain.
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Porn says it’s okay to be unfaithful.
Even after he promised to remain faithful to you. I didn’t understand why I felt like his porn viewing was an affair—until we met with a counselor. That’s when I heard that porn viewing is adultery. My gut told me the same thing, but I didn’t trust it. Instead, I remained in jail, gripping the bars, with no hope of reconciliation or healing. It felt like no one was on my team. Then I reached out and found the first person who could kick the can of this horrible addiction away long enough to open the door of my jail.
This November, FightTheNewDrug.org challenges us to change the narrative by looking at the truths about porn.
We don’t have to allow porn normalization. And we certainly don’t need to glamorize this underbelly of society. I agree with Fight the New Drug’s agenda—raise awareness and educate our culture about porn’s harms.
Would you mind listening to me here? While you may feel shame about his porn addiction, it’s not your fault.
The truth is he’d look at porn whether you were in his life or not.
In a Verilymag.com article, one woman reveals her false belief that to keep her husband sexually interested, she needed to embrace pornography as a part of her marriage. You can read her complete account here, but her story mirrors many others who bought into these 5 truths about porn. Looking for love and connection outside of the two of you eventually destroys the relationship.
The shame you feel (and I felt) causes you to step back into the addiction instead of leaning toward a healthy life.
Because porn causes chemical and neurological reactions in the body and the brain, this potent cocktail increases desire for porn. You believe if you ignore the addiction and pain, it’ll get better on its own. The only way to change that is to deal with the addiction and quit porn altogether. With the help of others, you must free yourself from jail and run for your life.
The truth is you have intrinsic value because God created you. Period.
No one else is like you or could replace you. How do I know that? God tells us that in the Bible:
For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus,
so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.
When your husband looks at porn, he attacks your value and uniqueness.
He chooses to waste time with women who will never look him in the eye with appreciation and love. It’s a cheap substitute for you. Don’t fall for the lie that you have no value. Kick that can far away and release yourself to be who God created you to be. God delights in you; it’s time you delight in yourself.
Would you consider joining the movement? Will you link arms with others to kick the can of porn addiction into the deepest ocean?
Imagine what your life would be like without your husband’s porn addiction.
Grab a piece of paper or open a new note on your mobile device. Write down everything that comes to mind. Don’t edit; write until you can’t think of anything else. Now, look at that list. Does it describe your life today? If not, would you consider a new way to live life?
Look at part of my list:
- No more secrets
- Loved
- Cherished
- Laughter
- Joy
- Free to be me
- No shame or embarrassment
