What are you ignoring in your marriage?
What warning light do you see blinking in the distance or flashing brightly in your face? But you’re ignoring it? You only need one to know you need to pay attention.
It’s easy to ignore warning signs that are right in front of us. Either we focus on something else and completely miss the signs, or we rationalize that we’re over-reacting.
I learned the hard way. I ignored the warning signs that my husband was addicted to pornography.
But now I’ve learned to trust my gut. And help others watch for warning signs.
It’s said the gut is your second brain. So, if your gut reacts strongly and suddenly to a stimulus, it’s telling your brain to focus intently on the present information. Recently, I witnessed this phenomenon during courtroom testimony. A gut reaction revealed the truth. A literal gut reaction to a husband’s pornography addiction and abuse that required a trash can for its contents.
If you suspect something is fishy about your husband’s behavior, stop and pay attention. His behavior may indicate porn addiction warning signs.
While most women tend to ignore the early warning signs (I did), or even discount the impact of pornography addiction on their marriage, porn addiction does not go away on its own.
Laurie Hall, the author of An Affair of the Mind, asked herself repeatedly, “What did I miss? How could I be so stupid?” and other questions. Like me, Laurie knew something wasn’t right, but couldn’t reconcile her gut instincts with her knowledge of her husband.
I relate to Laurie. When my husband revealed his pornography addiction, it felt out of character with the man I knew. He is a wonderful, caring, loving, Christian man. Yet, he was addicted to porn. And, there were several warning signs I blew past.
5 Common Porn Addiction Warning Signs You Might Ignore
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Increased time spent on internet-enabled devices.
According to Matt Fradd, “A porn user almost always has a dysfunctional relationship to technology—many hours spent online alone, often at odd hours or at times when they should be spending time with their families and friends.”
Yup, this behavior happened in my home, but I chalked it up to wanting to wind down by playing a video game after a long day of work.
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Internet history cleared.
One thing I never thought to check regularly was our computer’s internet history. And he thought clearing it removed all evidence of his addiction. Even at work. But that wasn’t the case.
My husband’s internet viewing spilled over to work hours. According to a CBS News report in April 2010, Brian Montopoli reports that 29% of working adults accessed internet porn on the job. Workers who do this clear their internet history believing their actions won’t be traceable. This gives a false sense of anonymity and secrecy.
If the user believes they won’t be caught, it heightens the excitement. Dr. Al Cooper said the speed and intensity of sexual encounters online are without precedent. He coined the phrase, Triple-A Engine, to explain the highly addictive nature of online pornography addiction—access, affordability, and anonymity.
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An addict prefers anonymity.
They don’t want their addiction discovered or confronted. Therefore, they take extraordinary measures to protect the secret. This also enforces the hold the addiction has on a person. The Bible says that sin prefers darkness, but truth brings you into the light. So, if you sense your husband holding secrets, it’s time to trust your gut and, in love, ask the hard questions.
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Unusual sexual requests.
Unless you have a porn addiction, you won’t be familiar with some sexual language or positions your addicted husband requests. If you feel uncomfortable with his request, pay attention to your gut. It’s sending you a warning sign.
Sex the way God intends brings mutual pleasure and fulfillment to both of you. Never shame or pain. If your husband responds with anger to your confusion or discomfort, porn might be a factor. The Godly response in this situation is to listen to the other person to figure out what is mutually enjoyable. If you ever feel forced to perform a sex act that you feel is degrading, dehumanizing, or dangerous, pornography addiction is a part of your husband’s life.
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Narcissistic or abnormally selfish behavior.
At some point, every addiction is self-focused to meet a perceived need or lack. When it comes to pornography addiction, the user can get their sexual needs and emotional high met quickly and without human interaction. No commitment. No face-to-face interaction. No waiting. No attachment. Fast and easy when they want it.
But, that’s Satan’s cheap, imitation version of sex and not an actual picture of the give and take involved in an intimate relationship. Porn starves the emotional, relational, and spiritual connection designed by God and gratifies only the physical. After all, for the addict, it’s all about meeting his needs, his way, in his time.
What is your next step if you see any porn addiction warning sign?
Get help today. Even if you see only one warning sign, that is enough! Don’t ignore it. If you haven’t downloaded the free resource, 10 Warning Signs Your Gut Already Knows, please do so by filling in your information below.
On average, according to Gottman’s research, married couples wait six years to seek help for a serious issue in their marriage. That’s six years for the addiction to get its claws in deeper, to create damage in the user, the spouse, and all extended relationships.
Satan wants you to believe that telling the truth will bring more harm. That is not what the Bible tells us. And it is not what I experienced.
In Romans 8 it says, “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.” The Bible also tells us that those who believe in Jesus Christ’s sacrifice on the cross for payment of sins are set free.
There is hope for you, your spouse, and your marriage.
Not sure who to talk to? Reach out. I’ve been there. Let’s connect. Confidential. Non-judgmental. Practical, proven help from someone who has been to the bottom and now helps others climb out.
