At the heart of each person is the desire to be seen and acknowledged—to be valued. It’s hard-wired into our souls. And, honestly, we need to find our value in some form simply to survive.
Assuming that you’re like the majority of us, wishing (maybe even yearning) to be explicitly recognized for what you do relates to the fact that validation from others just feels good. Reaching all the way back to childhood and your need for your parents’ reassurance and approval, being acknowledged by others helps you feel more accepted and secure. And, consequently, more comfortable inside yourself. More important still, such recognition assists you in perceiving yourself as desirable, valuable, and esteemable. In a word, special.
Leon F Seltzer Ph.D.
The Bible tells us that a workman is worthy of his hire. That means that work well done is worth a fair wage. It also means that it is worthy of validation from your boss and co-workers, even though you don’t always receive it when desired.
Our need for significance (or validation) is one of our six basic needs according to Tony Robbins:
“The need for Significance tells us that we do not exist in isolation but as part of a greater whole, and to be an effective part of that whole we need to know that we are playing our part – and being honored for that expression. Satisfying our need for Significance is part of creating our sense of identity in the world…”
It doesn’t take much to validate another person.
In fact, Mark Twain said he could live for two months on a good compliment. That’s true, isn’t it? One honest compliment fires me up for days.
When you, Mom, spend every day with little ones who demand your attention and need your care, your needs often go unmet. When your husband comes home, you need and, let’s face it, expect him to validate you and your work caring for his children. That’s only fair, right?
Some days your husband does validate you. But, when he’s had a bad day, he may come home just as needy for validation as you are. Therefore, he can’t be your only source for validation.
What are healthy ways to find your value?
- In God’s Word. This is the first and best way to find your true value. Only through the routine reading of God’s Word, the Bible, will you find out who you really are. God says that you are made in His image. He says He created you specifically and uniquely. He says He delights in you. He is the ultimate source of your value and worth—simply because you are created in His image.
- In your work. You read that right. We were created to find value in our work—to find satisfaction in it. When you are satisfied, you feel valued. Hard work and accomplishing the task you set out to do brings its own form of validation. For instance, I didn’t want to exercise this morning. But when I reminded myself why I planned to exercise, I did it. The sense of accomplishment I feel at meeting and completing this goal today improves my sense of self-worth. No one can take that away from you or me.
- Through serving others. I thought we were talking about our need for validation and value? We are. But one of the ways we can receive validation and improve our self-worth is by serving others. When we step out of ourselves and take opportunities to meet the needs of someone else, we understand the value we bring to this world. That’s validation. Again, no one can take that away from you.
- Through affirming others. How many times during the day do you speak words of life and value to those you love most? It’s way too easy to forget to validate those we live with. We tend to fall into patterns and comfort levels. When we do, we take for granted what others do for us every day. When was the last time you thanked your husband for putting his clothes in the hamper? Or taking out the trash? Or giving the kids a bath? Or calling you during the day to tell you he loves you?
If you need to know that your husband values what you do every day, ask him.
He’ll probably respond quickly with, “Yes! Of course!” Then, it’s your turn to validate him through your words. Thank him for what he does for you every day.
For the next week, decide to find one way to speak value to each family member every day. I think your need to find your value will be met as well.
“…a few well placed and sincere words of praise make others feel more valued and when people feel that you value them, they become more engaged in what they are doing, and care more about doing better in the future.”
This statement, “I have no value,” is one of the lies we believe as moms. I struggled with these mom lies too, which is why I wrote, 5 Lies Moms Believe—to encourage you to replace these lies with the truth.
On February 2, 2018, leave the babes with Dad or a babysitter and join other ladies for a Mom’s Night Out & #BookLaunch.
You’ll enjoy some pampering and time with friends. In fact, invite your friends to join you. Click the button below to join the party. Bonus for joining the party: get a FREE chapter of 5 Lies Moms Believe. Hope to see you there.
If you need want to talk, please reach out. I promise to listen without judgment and help you take the next step.